Doppelgangers
by Cavebear Stroud
Summary: Jarvan IV and Jericho Swain have disappeared. While the League technicians scramble to find them, Gangplank and Taric are recruited to replace them. This story is written as a traditional comedy play of mistaken identities. Warning: The levels of violence and sexual content are consistent with a T rating, but there is one regularly foul-mouthed character.
1. Chapter 1: Act I Scenes 0-3

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

A League of Legends Fan Fiction Play

By Cavebear

**Dramatis Personae**

Andrei, a _magical technician_

Gotfrid, _Andrei's supervisor_

Maxim, Director of Tech Support, _known as The Finger, Gotfrid's boss_

Jarvan IV, Prince of Demacia, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jericho Swain_

Jericho Swain, Grand General of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jarvan IV_

Arv, _a commentator_

Cliff, _a commentator_

Gangplank, Pirate King, _a League of Legends champion_

Sarah Fortune, _a bounty hunter and pirate chaser, a League of Legends champion_

Taric, _a knight, a League of Legends champion_

Darius, General of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, brother to Draven_

Draven, Executioner of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, brother to Darius_

Katarina, Assassin of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, sister to Cassiopeia_

Cassiopeia, _a mage, a League of Legends champion, sister to Katarina_

Scene:

Act I—The Halls of Justice

Act II—The Demacian Royal Palace

Act III—The Halls of Justice

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

[Act I Scene One]

_Gotfrid's office—Andrei, Gotfrid_

Andrei: "Shit! This doesn't look good."

Gotfrid: "No it doesn't. What do you suppose Old Finger will say when he finds out?"

Andrei: "We'll be snookered."

Gotfrid: "Indeed. The boss is not exactly known to tolerate error, is he?"

Andrei: "Bugger! The old tosspot? Not in the slightest."

Gotfrid: "Then we'd best locate them and get them back right away. Not so?"

Andrei: "Right-ho. Still…that could take a bloody long time. When are you going to report this?"

Gotfrid: "I'm not."

Andrei: "You're not? We can't just pretend it didn't happen."

Gotfrid: "You'll be the one doing the reporting. That's what assistants are for."

Andrei: "Fuck me!"

Gotfrid: "I'm sure Old Finger won't shoot the messenger. Best get cracking."

Andrei: "Sod off."

[Act I Scene Two]

_Maxim's office—Andrei, Maxim_

Maxim: "Let me get this straight: You LOST two champions during a trial of our new grudge match arena?"

Andrei: "Yes, sir. Teleportal malfunction."

Maxim: "And not just any two champions: Jarvan IV and Jericho Swain."

Andrei: "Yes, sir. Those two exactly. They did have quite a large grudge to settle."

Maxim: "Spare me the obvious, Assistant. You do realise that we cannot afford to tell the Demacians and the Noxians about this, don't you?"

Andrei: "Afraid I don't quite follow you, Your Genius."

Maxim: "Of course you don't. You are merely a dim-witted magical technician, not a politician."

Andrei: "Right you are, Your Reverence."

Maxim: "Why did we create the Fields of Justice in the first place?"

Andrei: "To bring an end to the interminable wars that threatened civilizations all over Runeterra. Even I know that. I'm not a bloody moron."

Maxim: "I'll be the judge of that. What do you think will happen if we tell two of the most powerful and warlike nations in recent history that we have lost their military leaders? To a freak teleportal accident?"

Andrei: "Bugger! I mean, knowing them, they won't believe us."

Maxim: "And then…"

Andrei: "And then they'll blame each other of sabotage, or assassination, or something."

Maxim: "And then…"

Andrei: "And then they will declare war on each other, and lay waste to Valoran…Oh, fuck!"

Maxim: "Your language leaves much to be desired, but I believe you have hit upon it exactly: Oh, fuck! In layman's terms, that is."

Andrei: "What are we going to do, Your Genius?"

Maxim: "We are going to replace the VIPs, temporarily…until they can be found, recovered, and restored. We'll get Waldo Moreau the Illusionist to help us."

Andrei: "But he's a dangerous criminal, Your Reverence!"

Maxim: "Yes, but he's no fool. He'll co-operate in return for a pardon and his freedom. Lesser of two evils, for us."

Andrei: "I suppose so, Sir. But whom do we get to impersonate the champions? We can't just send bloody anybody onto the Fields of Justice, can we Sir? Are you going to cancel all their matches?"

Maxim: "Certainly not. We'll have to use other champions, unfortunately. There are bound to be a few who could be convinced to do the job, discreetly. Of course, the fewer who know about this, the better. So you will be my personal ambassador until further notice. Do you understand?"

Andrei: "Yes, Sir. But why me? I mean, diplomacy was never my strong suit, and shit, I'm not exactly gifted with language."

Maxim: "Just so. Nobody will believe that your business is of the gravest importance, for what fool would entrust a hyper-delicate diplomatic crisis to one such as you?"

Andrei: "Ah…I understand now. People will think that I am arranging some sort of practical joke like that time I spiked the lemonade in the Apprentices' Cafeteria."

Maxim: "That was you? I always wondered what prime idiot was responsible."

Andrei: "Bugger!"

[Act I Scene Three]

_The Rusty Nail, a tavern and pirate hangout—Andrei, Gangplank_

Gangplank: "Shiver me timbers! This be a right lot of swag ye be offerin' me for this practical joke. An' all I gotta do is pretend to be Jarvan for a couple of days?"

Andrei: "Yes, but nobody can figure it out, or you won't get paid. So, what say you?"

Gangplank: "What say I? I say that I be a rich man already, mate."

Andrei: "Bugger! Well, looks like I lose my bet with Miss Sarah Fortune."

Gangplank: "Miss Fortune said that I wouldn't do it?"

Andrei: "No, she said that you couldn't do it, actually."

Gangplank: "Yaaarrh! And just what was the bet, laddie? Tell me afore I cut ye ta pieces!"

Andrei: "Well…she said the chances of my persuading you and you pulling off the deception were so low, she would sleep with me if you were successful."

Gangplank: "Now why couldn't the little lassie have made that proposition directly to me? I be ten times the man ye be, chum."

Andrei: "Bugger if I know. Still, it's all academic, since you don't need the money."

Gangplank: "I've changed me mind. I be a pirate king, so why shouldn't I be able to play a prince convincingly?"

Andrei: "Exactly. And with the help of our illusionist, you will look, sound, smell, and even taste like Jarvan IV."

Gangplank: "That be some illusionist friend ye've got, laddie."

Andrei: "Shit yes. You and he ought to get on perfectly."

Gangplank: "If an' I be successful, yer illusionist friend will make me look like ye, and I'll be enjoying the bounty of the one and only Miss Fortune. What say ye?"

Andrei: "Sod off."


	2. Chapter 2: Act I Scenes 4-7

[Act I Scene Four]

_Taric's apartment—Andrei, Taric_

Taric: "Well, since it is in a good cause, I accept. But on one condition…"

Andrei: "What's that, Sir Taric?"

Taric: "That I get to design my own costume."

Andrei: "But, that's bloody unreasonable! Jericho Swain would never dress like you."

Taric: "Well, he ought to. Really, his sense of style is simply ghastly."

Andrei: "I don't think this is a good idea…"

Taric: "Do you want my help or not?"

Andrei: "…"

Taric: "Don't worry, I can be a very convincing actor, when I want to be."

Andrei: "But Swain can be vindictive. If he doesn't like your performance…"

Taric: "Not a problem—he's not half as vindictive as Rumble, let me assure you."

Andrei: "Granted. Fine, but you have to promise me one thing."

Taric: "What is that?"

Andrei: "You can't do your campy poofter impression while pretending to be Swain."

Taric: "No fun. I'm sure that campy poofter Swain would have them rolling in the aisles."

Andrei: "Listen, I'd love to take the piss out of Swain as much as the next bloke. But the boss says we are trying for, what the fuck is that word, verisimilitude."

Taric: "That's quite a mouthful. Almost as impressive as Graves' package."

Andrei: "How the bloody hell would you know?"

Taric: "Everybody knows. At the last pool party, there was a game of strip poker. He went all in with Lux and lost."

Andrei: "Shit, how could that happen? Graves is a veteran gambler, and that girl has no poker face at all. Plus, no offence, but the Lady of Luminosity isn't exactly the brightest light in the firmament."

Taric: "You should have seen her bikini. Graves probably wasn't looking at her face."

Andrei: "Bugger, you champions have it nice, surrounded by the most beautiful girls on the planet. Anyway, will you please just agree to play Swain straight."

Taric: "Just for you, sweet cheeks."

Andrei: "Sod off."

[Act I Scene Five]

_Summoner's Rift—Arv, Cliff_

Cliff: "Welcome back, justice fans. This afternoon's match—10 minutes underway—is being played according to the International Friendship Match conventions, which means that each team of five includes one Demacian, one Noxian, one Ionian, one Freljord, and one champion from Zaun, Piltover, or Bandle City. Blue team features Talon, Kennen, Quinn, Sejuani, and Jayce, while Purple team features Syndra, Cassiopeia, Lissandra, Lulu and Jarvan IV. What do you think, Arv?"

Arv: "Well Cliff, not exactly balanced teams, are they?"

Cliff: "Politically balanced, by citizenship and random draw. Not balanced for laning or team fights, no. Purple team has four mages, so they will be counting heavily on Jarvan for hand to hand, for example."

Arv: "Bot lane is an interesting matchup, Quinn and Jayce versus Syndra and Lulu. Kennen is taking on Lissandra top, while Talon is up against Cassiopeia mid. Sejuani and Jarvan are the respective junglers."

Cliff: "Another factor to consider is that the summoners were also chosen at random, from different skill pools, so it's a bit of a pro-am in that respect. In fact, I believe that for Jarvan IV's summoner, Andrei, this is his first public match."

Arv: "Whoa, seriously? Talk about trial by fire, Cliff."

Cliff: "You got it, Arv. Speaking of Andrei, am I right in observing that he had Jarvan pick up a revolver first back? That's a very strange choice of item for the prince, don't you think?"

Arv: "Indeed, but he must feel that while Jarvan's spear is the ideal weapon to counter Sejuani, who is mounted, the prince needs something extra to deal with the enemy assassins in top and mid."

Cliff: "The best defence is a good offence, eh Arv? Let's see how well that works out for Purple team..."

Arv: "Whoa, look at that, Cliff! Things are heating up in top lane around the purple outer turret. Let's get a closer look…"

Cliff: "There's Lissandra, caught out of position as Sejuani comes in for the gank."

Arv: "No love lost between those two."

Cliff: "Kennen's advancing, he and Lissandra are both low on health, but it's 2v1. Lissandra trying to get to safety under turret, but they are going to dive her…wait! Here comes Jarvan IV ghosting out of the brush for the countergank! Sejuani's drawn the turret aggro, can she finish off Lissandra before…now Jarvan in hand-to-hand with Kennen, the yordle trying to dodge, he's forced to flash away…too late! He's taken down by Jarvan with the revolver."

Arv: "Sejuani can't afford to stay near the turret, she has to get out."

Cliff: "Sejuani charges Jarvan, now they are exchanging blows. Sejuani with the permafrost, she should be able to escape now…no, great recovery by Jarvan, look at him run! And Lissandra with the ice claw, Sejuani is in trouble…Jarvan with the revolver, picks up the double kill."

Arv: "What a brilliant reversal by the Prince."

Cliff: "Credit to his summoner, Andrei, for picking just the right moment to make the play. Jarvan with both buffs now, heading for mid lane where Talon is harassing his Noxian countrywoman hard."

Arv: "This should be fun to watch…"

[Act I Scene Six]

_A secret conference room somewhere in the Halls of Justice—Cassiopeia, Darius, Draven, Katerina_

Katarina: "So, how was the International Friendship Match this afternoon, sister? Did Noxus represent well?"

Cassiopeia: "No, the fix was in. Since I was matched against your friend Talon, one of us was bound to look bad. Eventually I swapped lanes with Lissandra and went top, since she was tired of having her sister Sejuani always trying to gank her there."

Katarina: "Were you on the winning team?"

Cassiopeia: "Yeah, I can't believe that we got carried by Jarvan. Even worse, the man was using nothing but a revolver most of the time. That bastard was just showing off for the international fans. Though I have to admit, the hunk has swag."

[ Enter Taric/Swain, dressed in an outrageously blinged-out uniform. ]

All: "Strength for glory! Noxus forever!"

Taric/Swain: "I now declare this secret meeting open and turn the floor over to General Darius."

Darius: "Thanks, General Swain. The reason I have called this meeting is…"

Katarina: "Objection!"

Taric/Swain: "What is it, Assassin?"

Katarina: "What's with all of the titles? This is a secret meeting. Why stand on ceremony?"

Draven: "Bet you wouldn't say that if you were a general and not a lowly assassin."

Katarina: "Shut up, Executioner. At least I don't spend all of my time obsessing over my image for the plebs."

Draven: "At least I don't have to spend any time on my hands and knees to set up a kill."

Taric/Swain: "Silence. Both of you are disgraces to the noble uniforms we proudly wear."

Cassiopeia: "Speaking of uniforms, what's with your new uniform, General Swain? Trying to blind us with your very presence?"

Taric/Swain: "Something like that. My other uniforms are all at the cleaners. Now please be good boys and girls and give your attention to General Darius, or mild-mannered Uncle Swain is going to get angry."

Darius: "Thank you. As you may know, the impending state visit to Demacia of Queen Ashe and King Tryndamere is very dangerous for Noxus. Rumour has it that they would like to sign a pact of mutual assistance that goes well beyond lowering trade barriers and setting up cultural exchanges for young nobles. No, they are thinking of alliance."

Cassiopeia: "That would be terrible. No more picking off isolated barbarian tribes with impunity. And any war against Demacia would be trouble, too. As soon as we marched the army over to fight them, we would have hordes of berserker raiders up the ass, burning all our villages."

Darius: "Exactly, and the brain behind this is none other than…"

Draven: "Sejuani?"

Darius: "Brother, I think that the maximum hold hair gel you use has permeated your thick skull at last. No, none other than…"

Katarina: "Garen?"

Cassiopeia: "Sister, that Demacian bruiser may be well-endowed from the neck down, but in case you hadn't noticed, the colour of his brain is 100% blond."

Taric/Swain: "Is it my turn to guess, General?"

Darius: "Be my guest, General."

Taric/Swain: "The genius behind this is none other than yours truly, Swain the Beautiful."

Draven: "The hell? I thought Draven was the Beautiful One."

Taric/Swain: "I mean, the Beautiful Mind."

Draven: "Thank you."

Katarina: "How can YOU be behind this? That makes no sense."

Darius: "Ah, I see."

Taric/Swain: "That, girl, is why you are still an assassin, and not a general like Darius here, who has just figured out the game. Care to explain it, General?"

Darius: "Certainly, General. The bigger the diplomatic stakes, the bigger the penalty for failure. Apparently General Swain has already formulated a plan to cause the diplomatic mission to fail catastrophically, plunging Demacia into war with the Freljord. Needless to say, Noxus will be waiting like a vulture, ready to eat up the bloody pieces. All hail the genius of our Grand General!"

All but Swain: "Hail Swain! Hail Swain!"

Taric/Swain: "Thank you, my friends. You are too kind."

Cassiopeia: "By the way, what is the plan, General?"

Taric/Swain: "It's a secret."

Cassiopeia: "You only say that when LeBlanc is involved."

Taric/Swain: "I forbid you to mention that two-timing trickster."

Katarina: "Hah! Dumped you again, did she? Serves you right. That is: serves you right, Sir."

Taric/Swain: "No matter, this is not about my feelings. You'll be happy to know that there is an important part in this for you, my dear."

Katarina: "Cool! Do I get to kill somebody and make it look like an accident?"

Taric/Swain: "I'm afraid not. You're going to impersonate a certain redhead and turn the head of a royal."

Katarina: "No way. I'm not being Annie again. Last time I was molested by…"

Taric/Swain: "No, this time you will be Miss Sarah Fortune."

Katarina: "Awesome. I always wanted to try out her big guns!"

Draven: "Too much information."

Taric/Swain: "The details of our little plot can follow later, after I have consulted with General Darius. I hereby declare the formal part of the secret meeting finished."

Cassiopeia: "About time."

Darius: "Look what I've brought! Who wants a sampling of some of Morgana's latest sinful strudel?"

All but Swain: "I do! I do!"

Taric/Swain: "I'll pass. I have to look after my figure."

[Act I Scene Seven]

_Maxim's office—Andrei, Gotfrid, Maxim_

Gotfrid: "Great news, boss. We've managed to isolate the cause of the malfunction, which should point us in the right direction. Now it is only a matter of time before we locate the lost champions."

Maxim: "As in, a matter of hours?"

Gotfrid: "Unlikely. We will have to scry quite a bit of territory. I'd say, maybe 3-4 days."

Maxim: "In that case, I am sending your assistant and the Jarvan doppelganger back to Demacia for the visit of state."

Gotfrid: "Good. I don't need him here."

Andrei: "Hey, thanks a lot for the bloody vote of confidence."

Maxim: "You've been doing a good job on this special assignment, so think of Demacia as a reward."

Andrei: "Blow me. Demacia."

Maxim: "What was that, Assistant?"

Andrei: "I said, "Show me Demacia!" I can't wait to see the jewel of Valoran."

Maxim: "Good. We will give you an increase in salary and also a generous expense allowance, in case you need to bribe a few palace officials. When you get back, there is a bonus, if you helped the doppelganger avoid diplomatic disaster. Bon voyage."

Andrei: "Dog's bollocks. I hope the Demacian birds are cute."

Gotfrid: "Good luck finding any action. You know what they say: Demacia is so proper, even the prostitutes are still virgins."

Andrei: "Sod off."

[End of Act I]


	3. Chapter 3: Act II Scenes 1-3

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

A League of Legends Fan Fiction Play

By Cavebear

**Dramatis Personae Act II**

Andrei, a _magical technician_

Gotfrid, _Andrei's supervisor_

Maxim, Director of Tech Support, _known as The Finger, Gotfrid's boss_

Jarvan IV, Prince of Demacia, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jericho Swain_

Jericho Swain, Grand General of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jarvan IV_

Ashe, Queen of the Freljord,_ a League of Legends champion_

Tryndamere, King of the Freljord,_ a League of Legends champion, husband to Ashe_

Gangplank, Pirate King, _a League of Legends champion_

Sarah Fortune, _a bounty hunter and pirate chaser, a League of Legends champion_

Taric, _a knight, a League of Legends champion_

Katarina, Assassin of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, _

Garen Crownguard, _a League of Legends champion, friend to Jarvan IV_

Luxanna Crownguard, _a League of Legends champion, sister to Garen_

Shyvana, Chamberlain,_ a League of Legends champion, bodyguard to Jarvan _

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

[Act II Scene One]

_In front of the Royal Palace—Andrei, Fortune _

Andrei: "Shit! What the bloody hell are you doing here, Sarah?"

Fortune: "What, aren't ye glad to see me, Andrei dearie?"

Andrei: Well, sure, what man wouldn't be? Still and all, I wasn't expecting to see you here. Not exactly your vacation cup of tea, I shouldn't think."

Fortune: "I be working the streets. A girl has to eat."

Andrei: "You, a working girl? I doubt you'll find much action in Demacia."

Fortune: "Not working as a working girl, silly. Working as a journalist. This is an important state visit, I be sure there are plenty of things I could discover."

Andrei: "I can't picture you as a journalist, somehow. You're not here as a bounty hunter, are you? I see you are well-equipped."

Fortune: "I always carry me guns. They're almost a part of me, like the rest of me equipment."

Andrei: "You certainly are well-equipped, I must say."

Fortune: "Thank ye. Now, dearie, what are ye doing here? Last I heard ye complaining, it was that Gotfrid had ye on a short leash."

Andrei: "Not at the moment. He told me to bugger off for a few days, so here I am on vacation."

Fortune: "Well blow me down! In Demacia of all places. Not Zaun, not Piltover, not Bilgewater…"

Andrei: "I'd much rather be boozing it up in Bilgewater, to be honest. But on the quiet, I had a good reason to choose Demacia this time."

Fortune: "Did ye now? Did this have anything to do with a certain pirate of our mutual acquaintance, by any chance?"

Andrei: "Bugger. Listen, Sarah. This practical joke that Gangplank and I are running, the stakes are pretty bloody high, so please please please don't wreck it for me."

Fortune: "Well, since ye said please…"

Andrei: "Really, that's all it takes? In that case, would you please please please have dinner with me tonight?"

Fortune: "Sod off."

Andrei: "Yes, I was rather expecting that. You're so heartless."

Fortune: "Just kidding. If ye're paying, let's do it. A girl has to eat, after all."

Andrei: "How about some posh place, then. I've got money to burn."

Fortune: "Sweet. But I still expect ye to tell me all about Gangplank."

Andrei: "Bugger."

[Act II Scene Two]

_Inside the Royal Palace—Gangplank/Jarvan, Shyvana_

Shyvana: "Welcome home, my Prince. I look forward to keeping you safe. I haven't seen much of you at the Institute recently. Have you missed me?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Of course. I always feel safer knowing your claws are at my back."

Shyvana: "That's not what I meant. Aren't you going to kiss me?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I thought you were my bodyguard. Can you really do your job with your tongue in my mouth?"

Shyvana: "Oh, Jarvan, that's just being unkind. You kiss all the girls—I should know, I've watched you."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Well, shiver me…Shyvana. All right lass, come into my arms."

Shyvana: "Lass? I'm not some teenaged tart like Lux."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Arrh! Garen's my closest friend in the world, and I won't have you badmouthing his sister."

Shyvana: "Why not? I've heard Garen call her that himself. Plus, you must have noticed how she was pressing herself up against you during the cocktail reception."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Aye, she was a little close, but she's like a kid sister to me."

Shyvana: "Yes, I know that's how you see her, but she has a desperate crush on you."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "She's not the only one, I think…"

Shyvana: "…You're a bastard."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Drop anchor, lass. Ye get any hotter and ye'll be breathing fire."

Shyvana: "And what's with the stupid Bilgewater expressions, anyway? Have you been slumming with those ill-bred troublemakers? Have you maybe been seeing that Sarah Fortune wench behind my back?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Have done, woman! Last I checked, Miss Fortune wouldn't give me the time of day. Honestly, are you my bodyguard, or my sainted queen mother? Can't you see this upcoming visit of state has me a bit on edge?"

Shyvana: "I'm sorry, Your Highness. You know very well that I care for you more than I should, but I will not let my feelings interfere with my duties. Please accept my apologies."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Apology accepted. Now, get up off your knees, or anybody who sees us will think that I am abusing the perquisites of my position as Crown Prince."

Shyvana: [aside] "I wish you would."

[Act II Scene Three]

_In front of the Royal Palace— Garen, Katarina/Sarah _

Garen: "Hey, over here!"

Katarina/Fortune: "Oh, hello stranger! How've ye been, Garen dearie?"

Garen: "Oh, hello Miss Fortune. You know, for a second I could have sworn you were…someone else."

Katarina/Fortune: "Really? Who?"

Garen: "Well, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit…"

Katarina/Fortune: "Why, is it someone I know?"

Garen: "Yes, your walk reminded me of Katarina."

Katarina/Fortune: "The Noxian champion? What would she be doing in Demacia? Isn't she yer arch-enemy and nemesis?"

Garen: "Well, yes. But she's also damn sexy."

Katarina/Fortune: "Sure she would be flattered."

Garen: "You're looking very sharp yourself. Are you here for the visit of state, or just to enjoy the sights, here in the Jewel of Valoran? Wait, let me guess: You are here to capture an outlaw, wanted in Bilgewater?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Dead or alive, I always get me man, Garen. Count on it."

Garen: "Well, it's none of my business anyway."

Katarina/Fortune: "Oh, I think it might be, big fellow."

Garen: "Demacia! What do you mean by that? I have never broken the law in my life. Wait, you're not after Lux, are you? If somebody has paid you to go after her, I'll offer you double…that whole Spellthief thing was just a phase she was going through, she never meant any harm."

Katarina/Fortune: "Relax, Garen. I was only joking. Say, I have heard that ye're like a brother to Prince Jarvan. Is it true?"

Garen: "Of course. And when he becomes King, I will become Marshal of Demacia."

Katarina/Fortune: "Would ye be able to get me an introduction to him?

Garen: "I'm sure that you have been introduced to him many times, as you are both Champions of the League."

Katarina/Fortune: "That's different. I'd like to get his permission for something I need to do while I be here in Demacia. It has to do with affairs of state, if ye must know."

Garen: "Good, I'm a big fan of following the rules, so let me think...I could introduce you as my dinner companion, that should get you past security.

Katarina/Fortune: "No problem there, I've got a gilt-edged invitation."

Garen: "I see. It's only the cocktail reception at the moment, so there should be time to arrange an introduction. I assume that Gangplank has designated you as the official Bilgewater observer, am I right?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Right ye are, dearie. But how is it that a handsome man like ye doesn't have a dinner companion already?"

Garen: "Well, I do, actually. My sister Luxanna. But she will be spending all of her time and effort trying to get closer to Prince Jarvan. Makes me sick to see it."

Katarina/Fortune: "She's old enough to make her own decisions, I should think."

Garen: "That's not it. It's just that Jarvan is like family, so Lux with Jarvan romantically would feel like…incest."

Katarina/Fortune: "Sisters. Such a pain in the ass."

Garen: "I didn't know you had a sister, Miss Fortune."

Katarina/Fortune: "Aye, and she's a real piece of work, too. Let's drop it, shall we? So, how about that cocktail reception. Do ye think they'll have any good Bilgewater rum?"

Garen: "Certainly. The royal steward has spared no expense. Does everybody from Bilgewater drink that stuff?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Aye, pirates and pirate chasers alike. Arrrhh! Lead on."


	4. Chapter 4: Act II Scenes 4-6

[Act II Scene Four]

_Inside the Royal Palace—Gangplank/Jarvan, Shyvana_

Shyvana: "The courier just arrived with this letter for you. From Noxus."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "It is probably their reply to our invitation to send an observer to this visit of state. Hopefully they are declining the honour of attending. Yes?"

Shyvana: "No such luck. "Greetings to His Most Luminous Majesty, Jarvan III, ruler of blah blah blah, blah blah blah. We will indeed be sending an observer to Demacia, and we trust that you will enjoy the presence of our emissary, Grand General Jericho Swain. Cordially yours, with great love, the High Command of Noxus."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Shiver me timbers! That be a bold move indeed. That one-legged bastard has balls. The line of Demacians more than happy to kill him would stretch from here to Gorfia."

Shyvana: "Would you please stop with the bad pirate impressions, Your Highness. I swear, if I hear one more of those stupid Bilgewater expressions I am going to scream."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "…Fine. What shall we tell my father? He hates Swain with a passion and Swain's cursed presence in his court is likely to provoke an apoplexy. In fact, I'd wager that is exactly why the blackguard has chosen to appear in person. He's thumbing his nose at Demacia. It cannot be tolerated. I shall challenge him to a duel."

Shyvana: "Don't do it. We must wait for him to break protocol, otherwise we are in the wrong, in front of all the other observers. It would be a diplomatic catastrophe."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "That's my girl. Using that pretty little head of yours for more than just blowing smoke."

Shyvana: "The opening ceremonies are due to start in half an hour. It could be a long evening, knowing your royal father's predilection for long-winded speeches. You might want to enjoy a cocktail or two before it's too late."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Very well, but first could you send Garen's kid sister outside on some pretext, so I don't have to deal with her at the moment."

Shyvana: "Very well, I will find some excuse to get rid of Luxanna until the ceremonies start."

[Act II Scene Five]

_In front of the Royal Palace—Lux, Taric/Swain_

Lux: "Why me? What have I done to deserve this assignment? I swear, Shyvana seems always to give me the worst duties. Acting as escort to the Noxian emissary, Jericho Swain. I've seen him on the Fields of Justice, and he seems like a creepy old man. Well, he had better keep his hands to himself, because I'm not in the mood to extend that much Demacian hospitality. If he tries anything, he's going to be eating a final spark."

Taric/Swain: "Good evening, Luxanna. Who is going to be eating a final spark?"

Lux: "Yaaah! You shouldn't sneak up on people. It's not polite."

Taric/Swain: "I would have thought stealth impossible. My nice new Noxian uniform practically glows in the dark."

Lux: "Wait, Noxian? You are Swain?"

Taric/Swain: "Grand General Jericho Swain, in person, my dear. Don't you recognise me?"

Lux: "Well, no, to be honest. You look a lot younger than I remember, somehow. Anyway, welcome to Demacia, please try not to get yourself killed or provoke a war."

Taric/Swain: "I wouldn't dream of doing either. Aren't you going to kiss me on the cheek, in the traditional manner? Or is that your brother Garen's job?"

Lux: "No, he's just been assigned as escort to the emissary from Bilgewater. The chesty one."

Taric/Swain: "Excellent. Everything is going according to plan."

Lux: "You planned that, just to get me to kiss you on the cheek? You really are creepy."

Taric/Swain: "Thank you. No tongue, please."

Lux: "Whatever. Here's your traditional Demacian kiss."

Taric/Swain: "Very nice. Might I ask a favour of you? I have no wish to stand through another of your King's legendary speeches, so instead how about we take an aperitif in that posh restaurant across the square?"

Lux: "Bright idea. I've never enjoyed long speeches either."

[Act II Scene Six]

_In front of the Royal Palace—Ashe, Tryndamere (and their entourage)_

Ashe: "This is it, Tryndamere honey. The Royal Palace of Demacia. Isn't it impressive?"

Tryndamere: "Yeah. About time. What a long slog. I'm dying of thirst."

Ashe: "Must you always be thinking of alcohol, dear? I think you should try to cut down…"

Tryndamere: "Well, a pint or two would go down quite nicely, thank you, but actually I'm so parched that even water would hit the spot."

Ashe: "If my memory of Demacian protocol is correct, every visit of state is preceded by a cocktail reception. I'm sure that they will serve you whatever you desire."

Tryndamere: "That would be a good long draught of water, followed by a couple of Noxian zombiemakers, washed down by a few pints of Freljord's finest, then a Bilgewater piña colada with extra rum to go, with a nice piece of Ashe for dessert."

Ashe: "Oh, honey, don't be naughty! I swear, you only ever have two things on the mind."

Tryndamere: "Three. Don't forget brawling. My good buddy Garen Crownguard has promised that there will be plenty of arm wrestling and sword dancing. Since we're trying to make a good impression on our potential new allies, I might even let him win from time to time. Ain't I clever?"

Ashe: "Quite. Unfortunately, I don't think you have the first idea of how diplomacy actually works."

Tryndamere: "Sure I do. I've negotiated many a peace treaty. You knock the other chieftain around a bit, preferably with a large axe, then he starts to see things your way, and swears allegiance. To celebrate the peace, warriors on both sides embrace, then you drink yourselves into a stupor. The next day, everybody is too hungover to fight, and there you go: Another successful diplomacy."

Ashe: "Really, Tryndamere, I don't know how you managed to survive long enough to court me. Your method might work in the Freljord, but certainly would fail dealing with cultures other than our own."

Tryndamere: "Explain."

Ashe: "If you tried that approach in Noxus, they would poison the drinks and you would wake up dead. Or if in Bilgewater, you would wake up on a ship far out to sea, tossing on the waves, and you would be so seasick your worst bedspins would seem like child's play. Then you would be forced to renegotiate the treaty on most unfavourable terms, failing which you would find yourself swimming home, escorted by an honour guard of merciless sharks."

Tryndamere: "Well, you're probably right about Noxus and Bilgewater, but I think my approach has a pretty fair chance of working here in Demacia."

Ashe: "All right, honey, but promise me you will only try Tryndamere's Freljord Gambit if my methods fail to get results. We'll try the quiet way first, agreed?"

Tryndamere: "Or else what?"

Ashe: "Or else you are sleeping on the floor and I get the king-sized bed and each of the pillows, blankets, duvets, and comforters all to myself. And it goes without saying, no piece of Ashe for you."

Tryndamere: "Ancestors! I can't understand why you always win every argument we have. Fine, we do it your way."

Ashe: "That's my sensible King Tryndamere. Now give me a little kiss, for luck, before we go inside."

Tryndamere: "That's my formidable Queen Ashe: cold heart, hot lips. No man could ask for a better wife."

Ashe: [aside] "Avarosa! He got that right."


	5. Chapter 5: Act II Scenes 7-8

[Act II Scene Seven]

_Inside the Velvet Tabard, across the square from the Royal Palace—Andrei, Fortune, Lux, Taric/Swain_

Taric/Swain: "Well, look who we have here. Greetings, friends."

Fortune: "Hello dearies. Looking for me?"

Andrei: "Bugger! What the bloody hell are you doing here, General Swain?"

Taric/Swain: "I was about to offer you and your beautiful companion a bottle of fine wine. Do you have a problem with that?"

Fortune: "Not in the slightest. A girl has to drink."

Taric/Swain: "Aren't you happy to see me, Andrei?"

Andrei: "To be honest, I think that having anything to do with you is probably a big mistake. I must admit, though, that your uniform is really something."

Taric/Swain: "Thank you. May I present my official Demacian escort, Luxanna Crownguard? Luxanna, this is Andrei, a guildsman of the League."

Andrei: "Pleased to meet you."

Lux: "Likewise."

Fortune: "Looking good, lass. Here's mud in yer eye!"

Lux: "Cheers. Hey, Sarah, aren't you supposed to be with my brother?"

Fortune: "Not of me own free will, sure."

Lux: "Whatever. Mind if we sit down? Based on previous experience, we ought to have at least an hour before King Jarvan III finishes his official address. So, since the General has invited me, I think I will have dinner while we wait."

Taric/Swain: "Please do, by all means. I think a few appetizers might be welcome. If I am not mistaken, the buttered crustacean mandibles are to die for, and the caviar is quite acceptable."

Lux: "How would you know? I'm sure that you have never been here before, General."

Taric/Swain: "Good point. Well, either I used to frequent this place in another life, or I used my sorcerous powers to divine the best items on the menu."

Lux: "All Noxians are weird."

Andrei: "You don't know the half of it."

Fortune: "Yer a man of good taste, Swain. I was going to suggest the seafood here meself."

Taric/Swain: "Too kind, my dear Fortune. But, shouldn't you be running along shortly? I expect that you have a long evening ahead of you with much to do, and you wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to make the right impression."

Fortune: "According to Lux, we've an hour to kill before anything useful can be accomplished. Plenty of time for the wine to breathe. Plus, no offence, but even if we are late, yer presence won't be missed in the slightest, Noxian."

Taric/Swain: "Too true. I'm persona non grata everywhere I go. Even the Noxian High Command seems to hate me. It's enough to drive a man to drink. May as well order a second bottle, I can see it is going to be required."

Andrei: "Might as well order a third, good things come in threes. I think you owe me."

Taric/Swain: "I may be a murdering maniacal mage at times, but let nobody claim I lack dinner manners. Three bottles it is."

[sound of loud explosions from outside]

Andrei: "What the fuck? Please tell me that was a ceremonial salute we just heard."

Lux: "No, I think that a couple of observers are doing combat in the Summer Palace."

Fortune: "This sounds like it might make an entertaining story. Dearie, do tell more."

Taric/Swain: "Yes, please do enlighten us."

Lux: "Piltover selected their best enforcer as observer. Sheriff Caitlyn probably thought it was high time that Vi learned a bit of diplomacy."

Andrei: "More likely the Piltover City Council wanted her out of town for a while. Still, that doesn't explain the cannon fire and explosions."

Lux: "Somehow, Zaun selected Jinx as their observer. We didn't want them in the Royal Palace any more than necessary, so we put them both up at the Summer Palace instead."

Taric/Swain: "There's a bright idea if ever I heard one. You'll be lucky if the building is still standing in an hour."

Lux: "Tee hee. The old Summer Palace is slated for demolition, as we are going to build a newer, bigger one. So why not get it levelled for free, in no time, and without risking any Demacian workers?"

Fortune: "Nice. Was it Shyvana who arranged this? Who says that half-dragon doesn't have a sense of humour."

[more explosions, increasing in volume]

Taric/Swain: "So long as they don't disturb our dinner, I'm sure we'll be fine."

Fortune: "For a moment, I thought that it was Gangplank announcing himself with some cannon fire."

Taric/Swain: "I have it on good authority that he declined the opportunity to attend. What's the matter, Andrei, did you choke on a bit of asparagus?"

Andrei: "Sod off. You know very well you are just trying to disturb my piece of mind, you and Sarah both."

Fortune: "I be innocent. Wait, who told ye that Gangplank declined? I be pretty sure that notwithstanding the rivalry and animosity between us, he would have chosen me to represent Bilgewater in his place, over someone like, say, Fizz."

Lux: "I think he did choose you. That's why Shyvana assigned my brother to escort you."

Fortune: "Ye be joking, surely, or mebbe that old bastard Gangplank is having a laugh at my expense."

Andrei: "So why are you here, then, if not to observe the visit of state?"

Fortune: "Already told ye, Andrei dearie, covering this event as a journalist. One good scoop pays more than a fair-sized bounty."

Taric/Swain: [aside] "She's the real Sarah Fortune! This could destroy Swain's plans completely, and put Katarina in terrible danger. I'll have to intervene, but I don't care to murder anyone. I'll try some of Singed's patented Love Potion #9 instead. Hopefully that will buy me enough time to warn Katarina that her cover could be blown at any time."

Lux: "What were you mumbling, General?"

Taric/Swain: I was just telling myself that the maître d' has been decanting our wine long enough. If it breathes any more it will grow stale. If you'll excuse me, I'll go have a quick word with him now."

Andrei: "Don't hurry back."

[exit Taric/Swain]

Fortune: "Now calm down, Andrei dearie. He doesn't seem so bad once ye get to know him."

Andrei: "That's what worries me. Don't let down your guard, in case he's up to something."

Lux: "I can see that line coming from me, but aren't you supposed to be neutral, being an employee of the League and all?"

Andrei: "Maybe I was bloody born in Demacia."

Lux: "Were you really?"

Fortune: "I thought you hated Demacians."

Andrei: "Stop putting words into my mouth. No, I wasn't born in Demacia, and no, I don't hate Demacians. I just can't get into their holier-than-thou tone of moral superiority, any more than I can stomach the Noxian we-were-born-to-rule manifest destiny."

Lux: "Maybe you're just a misanthrope."

Andrei: "Maybe, but I'm no misogynist. I love beautiful ladies."

Fortune: "Careful, sport, I think ye've started to drool."

Andrei: "Piss off. I don't drool. It was a mild leer at most."

Fortune: "Here comes the wine. Swain got the job done. Shall we wait for him?"

Andrei: "Sod that. Give me a glass, will you kindly? Cheers!"

Lux & Fortune: "Cheers!"

Fortune: "Ye've got to appreciate Swain's taste in wine. This is truly excellent."

Andrei: "How would you know, Sarah? Don't you drink rum?"

Fortune: "Of course, dearie, but I don't drink only rum. I can afford more expensive tastes."

Lux: "I've got more expensive tastes too. I've got my eyes set on the Crown Prince."

Andrei: "Oh bugger, here we go. In vino veritas. The wine has gone straight to her head, and in record time no less."

Fortune: "Lass, slow down. We've got plenty of time to enjoy this."

Lux: "Tee hee, too late. My head is already buzzing. May I ask you a question, Andrei?"

Andrei: "Sure, why not?"

Lux: "So, Andrei, whose breasts do you like more, mine or Fortune's?"

Andrei: "That's not a fair question."

Fortune: "Of course it is, dearie. And I be dyin' to know too. Do ye fancy her perky little pears, or me mesmerising melons?"

Andrei: "Perky little pears? Mesmerising melons? Shit, suddenly I'm feeling dizzy."

Lux: "What kind of an answer is that? Are you stalling?"

Fortune: "Of course he is. Come on, lad, grow a pair. Don't worry, I won't hold it against ye if ye answer honestly."

Andrei: "That's a bloody lie. Women say that, but they don't mean that. You don't really want honesty, you want flattery."

Fortune: "I think ye need me to prod yer thought processes a bit."

Andrei: "Hey! Get your foot out of there."

Fortune: "That's not me foot, it's a large pistol, and it's cocked."

Andrei: "Yaaah! Bugger, I hope it's not a hair-trigger. I'd hate to lose my John Thomas because some Bilgewater wench can't handle her wine. Yow! Just get that bloody weapon away from me. I'll answer the question, already."

Lux: "We're all ears, handsome."

Andrei: "Wait, it's not fair that only I have to answer this question. We should wait for Swain and you can ask him the same thing. All I can say is that it is hard to judge between perfect and perfection. Is it just me, or is it far too hot in here?"

Fortune: "Here comes Swain now."

[enter Taric/Swain]

Andrei: "About bloody time! Swain, these ladies need to know the answer to a very, very difficult question. I feel that somehow you put them up to this."

Taric/Swain: "Oh, so you missed me, did you Andrei? I am touched. Of course, you must be mistaken, Luxanna is an ardent Demacian patriot and is hardly likely to be a willing part of any of my nefarious schemes, don't you think?"

Andrei: "Just shut the fuck up and listen to the question."

Lux: "Do you prefer my perfectly perky little pears or Sarah's marvellously mesmerising melons?"

Taric/Swain: "Charming alliteration, young lady. Fine, I have my answer, but I believe that you asked Andrei first." [aside] "I do believe that the mad chemist's concoction will serve. It certainly seems to be fast-acting."

Fortune: "Let's all have another drink. Cheers!"

All: "Cheers!"

Andrei: "And my answer…luck is with Lux, it just so happens that her bouncy breasts are adorable, even irresistible. Not that yours aren't superlative as well, of course, Sarah."

Lux: "Hee hee hee, I win."

Fortune: "Not yet, I be entitled to a second opinion. Swain, if ye please…"

Taric/Swain: "One second, this wine tastes strange, and my head is spinning, and…my goodness, I do believe that our clumsy maître d' spiked ALL of the drinks. I am outraged, and do believe I shall withhold my gratuity."

Andrei: "What's the matter, can't hold your liquor?"

Taric/Swain: "Of course I can. No mere chemist's trick can get the better of my formidable mind…What was the question again?"

Andrei: "Don't be a wanker, you know damn well."

Taric/Swain: "Oh, please, you sexy beast, I like it when you talk dirty. How about some more abuse."

Andrei: "Now is not the bloody time to play the campy poofter, you know that, don't you…_Swain_?"

Taric/Swain: "Sorry, it just popped out. I must try to focus on the question. Pears or melons, wasn't it? Fortunately I'm a good judge of fruits. Let me think...I'm ready. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind: the bounty hunter's bountiful breasts are beyond beautiful."

Fortune: "Yes, they are, aren't they. Lux dearie, it looks like a hung jury. A well-hung jury, hopefully."

Taric/Swain: "I say, this is rapidly getting out of hand."

Lux: "In that case, let's take it firmly in hand. I say we skip the diplomatic soirée, and make it an intimately romantic double-date. What do you think, Andrei. Are you up for it?"

Andrei: "Shit yes. I haven't felt this up in years. Hey, get that pistol out of there!"

Fortune: "I be innocent…at least of that."

Lux: "Tee hee, that was me. I was just feeling to see how up you were, loverboy."

Andrei: "You really are a teenaged tart, aren't you, sweetheart."

Lux: "I guess, but I am still a cherry tart, if you know what I mean."

Andrei: "And I'm starving. I could eat a whole pie."

Taric/Swain: "What have I done? This is all so wrong."

Fortune: "No worries, I be more than able to make it feel so right."

Taric/Swain: "You may regret this, my dear Miss Fortune. You know, I think it may be time to call for the cheque, before we scandalise all the other patrons of this establishment. My treat: it's the least I can do given the circumstances."

All: "Long live General Swain!"

Taric/Swain: "Thank you, dear friends, thank you. Especially you, Fortune, my dearest love…I can't believe I just said that. I really am not myself."

Fortune: "Let me find yer wallet for ye, is it perchance inside yer waistcoat? Blow me down, where did a mage like yerself get such an impressive set of muscles."

Taric/Swain: "Well, either I used to work out with a really large hammer in another life, or I used my sorcerous powers to give myself the body of a god."

Fortune: "Might as well take the third bottle with us, in case we get thirsty. Could be a long night ahead of us."

Andrei: "I pity the poor slobs across the square in the Royal Palace, listening to King Jarvan's speech. They're missing an enchanted evening with two of the most beautiful girls on the planet."

Lux & Fortune: "Why thanks, Andrei."

Andrei: "Bugger, I hope I'm not dreaming all of this. Seems almost too good to be true."

Taric/Swain: "Doesn't it just. It's outrageously outrageous."

[ Act II Scene 8 ]

_Maxim's Office—Gotfrid, Maxim _

Gotfrid: "Good news, bad news, boss. Which do you want to hear?"

Maxim: "Bad news."

Gotfrid: "OK, good news first: we have located the region to which the lost champions were teleported."

Maxim: "So what is the bad news?"

Gotfrid: "It's almost completely uninhabited, in the arctic, and there's been a major blizzard there for the last two days. It won't take us much longer to find them, but by the time we do, there's a chance they will both be frozen solid."

Maxim: "That's bad, but not the worst outcome. The worst case scenario is that one of them survived and the other didn't.

Gotfrid: "Boss, you are compassion itself. I'll leave the worst case contingency planning to you. Personally, I insist on hoping for the best. Those champions are both too stubborn to die easily. To change the subject: Might I inquire as to how my assistant is enjoying his 'vacation' in Demacia?"

Maxim: "That's need to know information."

Gotfrid: "Fine, I need to know."

Maxim: "Really, Gotfrid, I very much doubt that. How so?"

Gotfrid: "If he's being useful to you, of course you can keep him a little longer, but I could certainly use him, it would speed up the search and rescue."

Maxim: "That's a lame excuse. Andrei's presence on your team is a mixed blessing. I half suspect that some careless mistake on his part caused the accident in the first place.

Gotfrid: "Boss, that's harsh. There is absolutely no evidence to back up that supposition."

Maxim: "I'm sure he'd be happy to know you are defending his honour, such as it is. However, it's irrelevant. You can't have him back yet, but I'm sure you don't really care, you infernal busybody. Admit it, you are just curious."

Gotfrid: "Fine. I am just curious. What can you tell me that will not endanger the success of the mission?"

Maxim: "Not much. The two doppelgangers have been working out well so far. That's about it."

Gotfrid: "By all the Gods, Maxim, do you think I am about to break confidence? You've known me for years. What, do you want me to beg?"

Maxim: "I like it when you beg, Gotfrid, I cannot deny it. Much as I like it, though, there is not much to be said today. Tonight will be the real test. Andrei has promised to report in immediately upon the completion of the diplomatic events of the evening. Then we will know how things are shaping up. I'm a bit concerned."

Gotfrid: "What, that the Jarvan IV doppelganger won't be able to fool some of those closest to him, like his father the king, his mother the queen, and his loyal half-dragon bodyguard?"

Maxim: "No, that your foolish assistant may tie one on at the reception, then go out on the town and completely forget about his status report. I hear he's a bit of a skirt-chaser."

Gotfrid: "Yes, that's true, but come on, boss: Andrei knows how very high the stakes are. I'm sure that he's all business tonight."

Maxim: "If he's not, should I hold you personally responsible?"

Gotfrid: "Heh. You're the one who selected him for this mission, and you're the one pulling his strings, so if he screws up, you can take a good hard look in the mirror. Andrei's a competent tech, no question, but who knows whether he can handle the role of secret agent?"

Maxim: "He and the doppelgangers only have to hold out a little longer…how much time until you recover our champions?"

Gotfrid: "I'd estimate about twelve hours. Given the conditions, they may need a little hospital time."

Maxim: "I'd better put Soraka on-call, in case a medical miracle is required."

Gotfrid: "Good idea, boss. I'll be getting back to work now. The sooner this whole debacle is over, the sooner I can get some sleep."

Maxim: "Don't you have a partner who hasn't seen you in days? I'm willing to bet that the gf aggro is pretty high by now."

Gotfrid: "I'm sure. No rest for the wicked, eh? You're right, so the sooner this whole thing is over, the sooner I can placate the girlfriend, and then I can get some sweet sweet sleep. Time management, what a killjoy."

Maxim: "That reminds me, I have to call my wife and tell her I'll be home at the usual time, and to have supper hot and ready. I'll be back here in a few hours to catch up on developments in Demacia. Let me know if you find our champions earlier than anticipated."

Gotfrid: "Will do, boss."


	6. Chapter 6: Act II Scene 9

[ Act II Scene 9 ]

_In the Great Hall of the Royal Palace of Demacia—Ashe, Gangplank/Jarvan, Garen, Katarina/Fortune, Shyvana, Tryndamere_

[enter Ashe and Tryndamere]

Tryndamere: "Freljord! Let's say we're allied with Demacia, and the big battle is about to start. If King Jarvan's speeches to his men are this long and boring, the enemy will already be looting the baggage train before he's done. Not to mention the fact that his droning words would sap every soldier of all fighting spirit within the first five minutes. Ashe, are you sure that this alliance is necessary?"

Ashe: "Absolutely. Why do you ask, honey?"

Tryndamere: "What about the Winter's Claw? With my fearless warriors, your archers, and Sejuani's cavalry we can field an invincible army. Who cares if the Noxians outnumber us twelve to one?"

Ashe: "You are thinking that winning the battle necessarily wins the war. That isn't true, history is full of winning generals who end up on the losing sides. Please dear, we've been over this before."

Tryndamere: "You just don't like Sejuani."

Ashe: "Irrelevant. She likes to fight for herself and her little circle of elite fighters, so she can't be trusted to look after the interests of everyone in the Freljord, as I do."

Tryndamere: "Admit it, you hate her, even though you are somehow related by blood."

Ashe: "I do not hate her. What make you say such a thing?"

Tryndamere: "You refuse to wear furry underwear. I think it is because you don't want to be like her in any way."

Ashe: "That is not the reason! Honestly Tryndamere, you hold me in low esteem if you think that I will allow my rivalry with Sejuani—I admit we were rivals—to influence my choice of undergarments."

Tryndamere: "But you would look so sexy in fur."

Ashe: "Please, we are at a diplomatic function. What if someone is listening?"

Tryndamere: "I'm sure that anyone listening would agree with me, about the fur anyway. Why not just once? You might like it."

Ashe: "Not a chance. But I promise you this: If you manage to successfully play your part this evening, you won't be disappointed by what I am wearing under this dress."

Tryndamere: "And if I don't?"

Ashe: "I'll let you figure out what you'll be missing on your own. I have to speak with some of the observers, before they all wander off. Why don't you go and bond with your buddy Garen. You don't want to miss the arm wrestling, I'm sure."

[exit Ashe]

Tryndamere: "Damn that woman! She gave me the cold shoulder. By Avarosa, I'll just have to have a good time without her. Hey Garen! How's it hanging, my friend? Is one of those drinks for me?"

[enter Garen]

Garen: "Sorry, no. I'm escorting the observer from Bilgewater. Official duties."

Tryndamere: "You're drinking with Gangplank, the Pirate King? Those little glasses won't be nearly enough. You should have brought a bucket full."

Garen: "Actually the observer from Bilgewater is…"

[enter Katarina/Fortune]

Katarina/Fortune: "Thanks dearie. Mmm, that hits the spot. Oh, hello Tryndamere. Ye're looking fairly dying of thirst, lad. What are ye waiting for, Garen? As a good host, ye shouldn't let the guest of honour languish without a drink in his hand."

Garen: "Tell you what, I'll go and bring us back an entire tray. Would that please you both?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Indeed it would."

Tryndamere: "You're the man, Garen. Too bad not all Demacians can be like you."

Garen: "I agree. If you'll excuse me, Miss Fortune, I shall be back shortly."

Katarina/Fortune: "Of course, dearie."

[exit Garen]

Tryndamere: "You look awfully familiar."

Katarina/Fortune: "I be Sarah Fortune, pirate chaser, bounty hunter, and representative of Bilgewater at this clambake. Don't ye recognise me?"

Tryndamere: "Vaguely. What happened to Gangplank? Is he not here then? That's a crying shame, I'm going to miss the man. So much fun at parties."

Katarina/Fortune: "I see that ye are not a sailor."

Tryndamere: "I've done my share of viking and roving. No stranger to pulling an oar."

Katarina/Fortune: "Of course ye have. That's not what I meant, dearie. What I mean is: Ye should not miss him. When on the high seas, a sailor breathes a sigh of relief when it is all clear and not a sail is near. This is unfortunately premature, because like a jack-in-the-box, that infernal pirate pops up unexpectedly when least ye want to see him, as many a sailor has learned to his woe. Entertaining he may be, but it's best if he stay far away from us. In fact, ye're only safe if he is well over the horizon."

Tryndamere: "So do you think he'll appear here, tonight?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Not likely. Word is that he is suffering from a bit of the fever. Which is fine by me, I will not be having to fend off any more of his clumsy advances."

[enter Gangplank/Jarvan]

Tryndamere: "Looking for your friend Garen Crownguard, Prince Jarvan? He'll be back momentarily with a tray of drinks."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Whose clumsy advances were you discussing just now, Garen's? He's one of the most valiant blades in the known world, so it seems inconceivable that he wouldn't be just as successful with the women."

Katarina/Fortune: "Well, ye should know, Prince. Rumour has it the two of ye have oft been seen wenching together."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "And where are my manners? Lady Sarah Fortune, welcome to Demacia. I must admit I am quite surprised to see you, as my Bilgewater chargé d'affaires informed me that no representative of that city-state would be attending."

Katarina/Fortune: "Here is my invitation, Prince, gilt edges and all. I trust all is now in order, Highness?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Quite. My apologies, I was misinformed. I shall be certain to have a word with my diplomatic advisor later. I trust you are enjoying our fine hospitality, so much more impressive than the dives of Bilgewater, not so?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Normally, after a comment like that ye would be wearing me drink, but since ye're the Crown Prince, I shall restrain meself."

Tryndamere: "Hah hah hah, a girl after my own heart, she speaks her mind plainly and without fear."

Katarina/Fortune: "Just like your wife, Queen Ashe, I suppose. Is that how she won your heart?"

Tryndamere: "No, she won my heart by loosing three arrows at once, each one freezing the legs of one of my men. Then she said that she had another arrow, especially long and thick, just waiting to pierce my heart if I dared to take another step."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Just like that, love at first sight? Hardy har har."

Tryndamere: "Well, lust at first sight in any case. I found myself thinking that I also had something, especially long and thick, just waiting to pierce…"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Warning: Lady present."

Tryndamere: "Sorry, Prince. I just assumed that since she is from Bilgewater, she will be of course accustomed to hearing all sorts of lewd propositions and hardly will have virgin ears."

Katarina/Fortune: "I see ye've done yer homework, King Tryndamere. Normally after a comment like that…"

Tryndamere: "…I would be wearing your drink. I understand."

Katarina/Fortune: "…I would be asking meself whether it really is especially long and thick, or whether ye're just lying."

Tryndamere: "I suppose there is no harm in letting you check for yourself. I assure you it's even more impressive than my huge battle-sword."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Hold your hand, King. Aren't you forgetting something?"

Tryndamere: "Probably. Memory isn't my strength. Is my cravat askew or something?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "My man, you are married."

Tryndamere: "To the most beautiful blonde in the world, I know. You jealous?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Married men should not be carrying on in this fashion, flirting with gorgeous redheads."

Katarina/Fortune: "Why, thank ye kindly, Prince. I be glad ye noticed me hair."

Tryndamere: "Ancestors, Demacia is a dull place. Why so possessive, if I may be so bold?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Yes indeed, Prince, why so possessive? I be _Miss_ Fortune, therefore I be single, therefore I may flirt with whatever lad takes me eye."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Arrrhh. I mean, 'tis a diplomatic function, ye two. Please do respect decorum."

Katarina/Fortune: "Now who's flirting, trying to put on a Bilgewater accent to impress me."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Now listen here. You're single, I'm single, he's married, so if you are going to flirt with anyone, it should be me."

Katarina/Fortune: "Don't make me laugh. Please do not take offence, Prince, but rumour already links ye with Shyvana, Vayne, and Lux, and that is just Champions of the League. I be sure that there are many other local conquests I have yet to meet. So let's not talk about decorum or propriety or any other high-sounding words here, what say ye?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Vile exaggerations. I would never seduce Lux, she is like a sister to me."

[enter Garen]

Garen: "Did I hear you talking about my sister just now? I wonder where she is?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Haven't seen her, buddy. Care to settle an argument?"

Garen: "Sure Jarvan. He can take you in an arm wrestle, but I can take him. Strangely enough, though, I never beat you."

Tryndamere: "That's because he's your boss, so you let him win, and you and I wrestled left-handed. My right arm is a lot stronger."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "No, it is about a beautiful young woman."

Garen: "The usual alibi? I swear that the Prince was with me all evening, he never left my sight. We even went to the men's room together…"

Katarina/Fortune: "He has ye lie to protect him? What a jerk!"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I am not a jerk."

Katarina/Fortune: "Here I thought that Garen was the only honest man around, and he turns out to be a liar like any common man."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I am not any common man, and neither is he."

Tryndamere: "You, Red, are from Bilgewater. You are of course accustomed to hearing lies from all the men around you on a daily basis. After all…"

Katarina/Fortune: "If ye want to avoid wearing this drink, ye'll not finish that sentence. And please don't call me Red."

Tryndamere: "What should I call you?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Me drinking buddies call me Sarah."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Now look who's lying. Your Bilgewater friends call you Fortune."

Katarina/Fortune: "Now how would ye know a thing like that?"

Garen: "Yes, how?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Er…well, Demacia has a fine spy service."

Garen: "We do? Wait a second, did you have my sister working for you? Was Spellthief a code word for "Spy in His Majesty's Secret Service" or something? And here I thought it was just a rebellious phase she was going through, like saying she hated our parents, or dressing like a slut just to annoy them."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Sorry, old chap. It was the old man's idea. Still, no harm, no foul."

Katarina/Fortune: "Consider yerself lucky Garen. A lot of girls go well beyond dressing like a slut to piss off their parents."

Tryndamere: "Dressing like a slut has no meaning anymore anyway. If I tell Ashe she is dressed like a slut, she will tell me I'm wrong, she is dressed classy. If I point out that her skirt barely reaches below her thighs, how is that not slutty, she tells me that only applies to normal women, not someone with perfectly smooth long classy legs like hers. If I observe that when she raises a knee too high, every man will be able to see her underpants, she proudly informs me that her expensive imported underpants are perfectly classy as well. Then when I give up and tell her that I like her classy curves, she asks if I am talking about the bow. Gah! That woman drives me crazy."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Not a very long drive. By all accounts you were quite crazy long before you met Ashe."

Katarina/Fortune: "Poor Tryndamere. Dearie, it sounds like the lass doesn't know how to treat a man proper. Why don't ye let me show ye a good time, Bilgewater style."

Garen: "You're going to get him to play mumblety-peg?"

Katarina/Fortune: "That too."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Mumblety-peg is for children. Real men play the Knife Game."

Tryndamere: "We call it Scratch in the Freljord. It's a hilarious drinking game. I love it."

Katarina/Fortune: "I love it too, and I be a master."

Garen: "You're good with knives, Miss Fortune? I thought you were into guns."

Katarina/Fortune: "It's always good to have a backup plan in case yer powder gets wet."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "What do you mean by showing him a good time, anyway?"

Garen: "How about a promenade in the botanical gardens? Very romantic. That's where I would take my girl, if she…if she weren't…I mean…"

Tryndamere: "Here we go again. If she weren't Noxian, you mean. Give it up, friend. You're wasting your love, pining for that heartless killer bitch."

Garen: "Don't say her name. I told you in confidence, it's a secret."

Tryndamere: "It's no secret, you wear your heart on your sleeve. Plus, we are all of us Champions, it's like our own private secret society: What happens in the League stays in the League."

Garen: "True. All right, I'm going to say it out loud. I would like to take Katarina for a walk in the gardens. I am in love with her."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "That girl's nothing but trouble. And she's a sadist to boot."

Katarina/Fortune: "Even the hardest girls have a soft spot in their hearts. Maybe she actually reciprocates yer feelings, Garen, but doesn't dare express them, knowing that duty will always get in the way."

Tryndamere: "Personally, I think it would be exciting to have a little fun with a sadist."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Crazy talk. I wouldn't do Katarina for all the swag in Bilgewater. By the way, Lady Fortune, for whom is your soft spot? Would it perchance be for a certain pirate?"

Tryndamere: "Ooh, inquiring minds gotta know."

Katarina/Fortune: "Well, the man I have in mind is strong, but sensitive. He values me for what I can do, not just because I have nice breasts."

Tryndamere: "But hopefully he likes the nice breasts as well, I know I sure do."

Garen: "Shhh, don't spoil the moment."

Katarina/Fortune: "Unfortunately he doesn't see what is right before his very eyes."

Tryndamere: "He doesn't know what he's missing. You've got beauty, skill, wit, and a bubbly personality. He must be blind."

Garen: "I would never have guessed that you had feelings for Lee Sin."

Katarina/Fortune: "Ye men are hopeless. I give up. It's enough to drive a lass to drink."

Garen: "Sure, have another."

Tryndamere: "I'll have two more."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Three for me. I see my loyal bodyguard signalling me, probably to give me an update on those explosions over at the Summer Palace. Shyvana thought it might just be the observers from Piltover and Zaun amusing themselves, but half the bloody building came down. Vayne thought it might be the work of a Noxian saboteur, and left to investigate; mum's the word. Plus, their observer is missing, probably up to no good. You can never trust those Noxians, even during a diplomatic truce. Sorry to drink and run, but duty calls. Down the hatch, one…two…and three. Ahhh, that hits the spot. If you will please excuse me."

[exit Gangplank/Jarvan]

Katarina/Fortune: "This spells trouble. I'll have to be very careful tonight."

Garen: "We'll all have to be careful. You know, I'm starting to worry about my sister. She was assigned to escort the Noxian observer, and something may have gone wrong. Why aren't they here? And what about the rumour that there is a Noxian infiltrator lurking around, up to something nefarious. I bet that is why Shyvana called Prince Jarvan away: Who cares about the old Summer Palace anyway, it's hardly used any more. More likely it's a secret security consultation."

Katarina/Fortune: "If the observer is Draven, he's probably still in front of his mirror. Nothing to fear."

Garen: "I won't rest easy until I put my mind at ease. I'm sorry, Miss Fortune, but I will have to leave you in the hands of King Tryndamere. You give her a royal treatment, you hear me buddy? I don't want Old Flamebreath breathing down my neck for dereliction of duty."

Tryndamere: "Loud and clear. You can count on me."

Garen: "Thanks, friend. Your servant, Ma'am."

[exit Garen]

Katarina/Fortune: "I don't like the way that half-dragon is looking at me, it makes the hairs on the back of me neck rise. We should get out of here. Care for a walk in the botanical gardens?"

Tryndamere: "I thought you would never ask."


	7. Chapter 7: Act II Scenes 10-11

[Act II Scene Ten]

_Royal Demacian Botanical Gardens—Ashe, Fortune, Jarvan, Katarina/Fortune, Taric/Swain, Tryndamere_

[Tryndamere and Katarina/Fortune on a secluded bench with their backs to the audience. Enter Fortune and Taric/Swain, arm in arm. ]

Taric/Swain: "It's outrageous! My reservations were cancelled because somebody decided I ought to be in the Summer Palace, and nobody saw fit to inform me in advance. Even, worse, there is not a single room to be had at the Grand Hotel, they told me. I could tell the man was lying—I sensed that he denied me just because I am Noxian. Racist dog! He's lucky I'm in the mood for love, or I would have issued an immediate declaration of war for that affront. What an uncouth lout that Desk Manager was! Not only that, his hairpiece was crooked and his jacket wasn't pressed. I tell you, dearest Miss Fortune, that dressing poorly ought to be a capital offence."

Fortune: "Don't trouble yer sweet little mastermind over something so trivial. We can still enjoy each other's company here in these botanical gardens. What a heavenly evening for a little spooning and light make-out, don't ye think, Swain dearie?"

Taric/Swain: "You're right, of course. What are the mundane concerns of travel arrangements gone awry when I have you by my side. How about that secluded corner over there?"

Fortune: "Methinks that bench is already taken by another couple making time. See their backs to us? I do not think that they would appreciate being disturbed. How about dropping anchor at that one over there?"

Taric/Swain: "Better yet, it is even deeper in shadow. I can't wait to sit down. Oh, my aching feet."

Fortune: "Don't ye mean aching foot? I had been thinking ye had but one."

Taric/Swain: "The other one is made of magic wood that allows me to feel, just as though it were a real foot. Cunning magic, is it not?"

Fortune: "Trust a Noxian to decide he cannot bear to be deprived of pain."

Taric/Swain: "Are you insulting me, young lady?"

Fortune: "Of course not, I be teasing ye a little, to get ye into the mood."

Taric/Swain: "Don't worry, I am very much in the mood already. However, it still seems wrong, somehow, as though I have been enchanted."

Fortune: "Perhaps it is me perfume, Davy Jones #19. Very fresh but with a lingering woody oak moss overtone, with just a hint of black powder. Drives many men wild."

Taric/Swain: "I know, I've tried it myself. Wait, how could that be? That cursed wine is afflicting even my memories. I can't seem to remember a thing very clearly."

Fortune: "Ye don't need yer old memories. Let's make some new ones to replace them, what say ye?"

Taric/Swain: "Avast! Prepare to be boarded!"

Fortune: "Why does every man fancy himself a pirate when I be around? I be a pirate chaser, after all."

Taric/Swain: "No doubt we want to be boarded by you. Go right ahead, sink your grappling hooks into me…"

Fortune: "That's a new one I've never heard before. Don't mind if I do…"

[They embrace. Enter Ashe and Gangplank/Jarvan. ]

Ashe: "This looks like a quiet place to talk without prying eyes and ears everywhere."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I am at your service. What confidence do you have to share, Your Majesty?"

Ashe: "Your father the King was polite and formal, but I sensed a deep reservation which makes me suspect that Freljord's hopes for an alliance will be in vain."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "He doesn't dislike you at all. Please try to remember that he is from the old times, part of a generation that had good reason to fear the Freljord raiders that regularly stormed into our lands and looted our border towns."

Ashe: "This treaty would help put an end to that. You wouldn't need to station as many troops in the north, and could deploy more to the east. That would make Noxus less likely to make trouble, because they won't attack where they don't think they can win. Don't you agree, Your Highness?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I do indeed, but the old guard is proud of surviving those days in which Demacia stood alone against all foes. They see an alliance as asking for help, which shows weakness."

Ashe: "Yes, my husband thinks like that as well. It just isn't true."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "A lot of kings know only about being a warlord, nothing about being a statesman."

Ashe: "You must know his mind well. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might be able to win him over?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Errr, yes. For starters, he is an old-fashioned traditionalist with a good Demacian sense of propriety. So the worst thing that you could do would be to cause a scandal during your visit."

Ashe: "Of course, and you know that I would never do that. I was well-groomed by my mother and have travelled enough to know the value of proper behaviour. In fact, many years ago I visited Demacia on a clandestine diplomatic mission and learned something of your customs."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Did you really?"

Ashe: "Your Highness, I'm sure that you remember that visit well. I was escorted by an old battle-maiden called Berit who was fiercely protective of my honour, and by Sir Taric, the Gem Knight. When you tried to steal a kiss, she wanted Taric to call you out, and he was agreeable to that idea. It took every bit of my powers of persuasion to convince them that you were just being a foolish teenager, and that no harm had been done."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I'm much more mature now, and I hope you realise that."

Ashe: "That incident put a certain distance between Taric and myself, and eventually we parted ways. I hope you can understand that your behaviour ended up costing me a dear friend, and it was all in the name of good diplomatic relations. So I hope that you can make amends and help me now, by interceding with your father."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "It's the least that I can do. But I am curious, if this Berit was so protective of your honour, how is it that she allowed you to be so close to Taric?"

Ashe: "Sir Taric is a true gentleman, who would never take advantage of a young woman, the way other men might."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I keep telling everyone that I've never taken advantage of Luxanna, she's like a younger sister to me."

Ashe: "He that is excusing himself is accusing himself, Jarvan. You're much too defensive. I suspect that there is something going on that you aren't admitting."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Arrrhh. Nobody listens to me."

Ashe: "Let's drop the subject. Talk about something else."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Thank you. How is Berit?"

Ashe: "She's well, and part of my entourage here. Her hair is going white, but she still has plenty of energy. Would you like to meet her again?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "No, I was just trying to be polite."

[A sudden fit of giggling from the bench where Tryndamere and Katarina/Fortune are seated. Over the next little while, Ashe and Gangplank/Jarvan gradually approach the bench]

Katarina/Fortune: "Hey, that tickles! Watch out for me revenge…"

Tryndamere: "I'm not ticklish."

Katarina/Fortune: "Well, how about a punch in the kidneys, then?"

Tryndamere: "Yow! Why you little…"

Katarina/Fortune: "Ha! Mmph…"

[Tryndamere kisses Katarina/Fortune hard on the lips. Ashe taps Tryndamere on the head]

Ashe: "My dearest husband, whatever are you doing?"

Tryndamere: "Get lost, or I'll give you a good slap. Oh, it's you. Ancestors! It's YOU."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "What a shameless wench!"

Katarina/Fortune: "What's it to ye?"

Ashe: "The one giving the good slaps will be I, Ashe, don't you think, honey?"

Tryndamere: "This was her idea."

Ashe & Katarina/Fortune: "Oh, please!"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "What makes you think you can kiss anyone you want?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Why not? Ye do."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I don't kiss married women."

Katarina/Fortune: "Maybe it's just because I be from Bilgewater."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "If I had a drink in my hand, you'd be wearing it."

Ashe: "I accept that you used to have a wandering eye, Tryndamere, but honestly, can't you keep it in check for even one little visit? A true warrior knows self-discipline. Your weakness is unmanly."

Tryndamere: "Hey, don't you dare insult my manhood!"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I'm so disappointed in you, Fortune!"

Katarina/Fortune: "Oh, man up, Prince. If even Gangplank couldn't tame me—and he's a real man—what chance do ye think ye have, ye overdressed spoiled self-important princeling?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Arrrhh. That hurts."

Ashe: "You think you're strong? How would you feel if I behaved just like you?"

Tryndamere: "I can take it. I'm the toughest man in all the Great North!"

Ashe: "I'll call that bluff. Jarvan, come here for a second!"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "At your service, Queen Ashe. What do you want?"

Ashe: "Just a taste of those lips, the lips of the legendary Kissing Prince."

Tryndamere: "Don't do it, Jarvan! She's just trying to make me jealous."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "You plundered the lips that I crave, please allow me to return the favour."

[Gangplank/Jarvan and Ashe kiss, long and passionately]

Tryndamere: "Hey, break it up already! Ashe, I'm sorry! You can stop, you've won the argument, as usual. Jarvan, let her go this instant! Hey, even I don't kiss her like that. You'll die for that, miserable Prince! Hey, Jarvan, you hear me? I'LL KILL YOU!"

Taric/Swain: "Glory! Who are the idiots making all that noise?"

Fortune: "Let's go see."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Wow! That was really something. Where did you learn to kiss like that, Queen Ashe?"

Ashe: "I decline to answer such an indelicate question. Tryndamere, honey, you should calm down. After all, you brought this on yourself, you know."

Katarina/Fortune: "Who wears the pants here, say I."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I do. King Tryndamere is whipped, and I'd be happy to prove my valour against him any day."

Tryndamere: "Bring it on, little Prince. I'm married to the most formidable woman in the Freljord, while you can't even cope with Garen's kid sister. Now let me give you a lesson in how a real man fights."

Ashe: "Please, Tryndamere, some other time. If you kill Jarvan, our visit here will have been wasted, and we will end up fighting both the Noxians and the Demacians. Now is not the time to be foolhardy, honey."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I regret, Queen Ashe, but unless this sissy little pony-tail apologises, we will have to fight."

Tryndamere: "I apologise? Never! It was you that was kissing my wife, you owe me satisfaction. If you beg my forgiveness on one knee, I might consider staying my mighty hand."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Not bloody likely. Let's fight. However, to avoid a major scandal, I insist upon a formal duel with seconds."

Ashe: "A better idea would be to keep this little affair secret. Nobody needs to know about our personal issues, least of all the observers. Why don't you wait until we are all back at the Institute of War?"

Taric/Swain: "A formal duel with seconds, how interesting."

Fortune: "I sense a scoop of the first magnitude. Lucky me."

Ashe: "General Swain? What are you doing here? And who is that with you?"

Taric/Swain: "At your service, as always, Queen Ashe."

Fortune: "I be the one and only Sarah Fortune, pirate chaser, bounty hunter, and freelance journalist extraordinaire."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "What the devil!?"

Katarina/Fortune: "She's an obvious impostor. I wouldn't be caught dead making out with that slippery Noxian mastermind. No offence, Swain."

Taric/Swain: "That's General Swain to you, whoever you are."

Tryndamere: "Well, you've arrived at the right time. You can observe a fine duel between myself and little Prince Jarvan, who kissed my wife."

Ashe: "Tryndamere honey, do you have to embarrass me? And aren't you worried that this Noxian may try to interfere with the diplomatic process. The duel can wait."

Tryndamere: "No I'm not, and no it can't."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "It must, King. We need to discover which Sarah Fortune is the real Miss Fortune, and which is the impostor."

Tryndamere: "Fine, we can do that after you have chosen your second. I'll take Garen as mine."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "The hell you will. He's my blood-brother, he can be my second."

Taric/Swain: "That disqualifies Garen. Pick again, both of you."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "In that case, I will take Vayne."

Tryndamere: "A markswoman? Then Ashe will be my second, she only needs one shot."

Ashe: "This is silly, but I will support my husband. We must appear united."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Done."

Fortune: "Now arrest that impostor."

Katarina/Fortune: "Good idea. Prince Jarvan, did you not say there was a Noxian infiltrator?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Indeed, such was the rumour."

Katarina/Fortune: "Now who might that be? Could it be a lady who has been romantically linked with Swain in the past, a powerful mage, and a devious illusionist? One guess as to who it is and where she might be found."

Ashe: "LeBlanc, and she can be found at Swain's side right now. You must have her arrested, Prince Jarvan."

Fortune: "If LeBlanc is here, she is here to cause trouble. I have caused none, but from the looks of it, me evil twin here has sown plenty of discord already."

Katarina/Fortune: "Don't let her twist me words and yer minds. Noxians stand together, everyone knows that."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "But she has a point. She may be the one standing beside Swain, but you've been the one making trouble. To resolve this, we are going to ask each of you three questions, and we'll see who answers best. In the meantime, Queen Ashe, please summon Shyvana with the guards."

Fortune: "I be ready."

Katarina/Fortune: "Likewise. Ask away."

[exit Ashe]

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Why do you mistrust Gangplank?"

Fortune: "A man matching his exact description killed me mother."

Katarina/Fortune: "He made a pass at me when we were both drunk."

Fortune: "That too."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "No advantage either way."

Tryndamere: "My turn. Who has bigger breasts, you or Nami?"

Katarina/Fortune: "Nami."

Fortune: "No, I do."

Tryndamere: "Nami is the correct answer."

Fortune: "How would ye know? Ye've never been close to mine."

Tryndamere: "Yes I have, just now."

Fortune: "Slut."

Katarina/Fortune: "Takes one to know one."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Final question: A test actually. Can you knock the blossom off yonder branch from twenty paces with a single pistol shot?"

Fortune: "Easily. Me first." [she shoots and misses] "Blow me down, that third bottle of wine has affected me aim."

Katarina/Fortune: "Me turn now." [she shoots and hits the branch but not the blossom] "Close enough."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Watch this." [he takes Fortune's other pistol, shoots, and hits the blossom] "Aye, that's how it's done."

Tryndamere: "So you are the real Miss Fortune?"

Gangplank: "Aye, and you are LeBlanc."

Tryndamere: "Come again?"

Taric/Swain: "I am afraid he is using sarcasm on you, King."

Tryndamere: "Come again?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Never mind, here comes the guard."

[enter Ashe, Shyvana, and guards]

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Arrest those two. Be careful, they are both dangerous magi."

Shyvana: "Come quietly, or face my wrath, Noxian scoundrels."

Fortune: "Ye're making a terrible mistake. I be innocent, and so is me darling Swain. Would I lie?"

Taric/Swain: "This is outrageous. I have diplomatic immunity."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Place them under house arrest in the East Wing. And send Vayne to me, armed."

Shyvana: "Yes, Your Highness. Right away."

Taric/Swain: "Well, in that case, we accept. The East Wing is much nicer than the Summer Palace or the Grand Hotel. But I warn you, Prince Jarvan: Any attempt to deny me my right to prove my innocence in the morning will be considered a casus belli by the Noxian High Command."

Katarina/Fortune: "Good evening, General Swain. Is everything going according to your plans now?"

Taric/Swain: "Indubitably. It's truly outrageous."

Fortune: "When I sober up, I'll prove to ye all that I be the real me. Wait and see!"

[exit Swain, Fortune, Shyvana, and guards]

Ashe: "So, why don't you two apologise to each other and we can skip the duel. You'll have to wait for Shyvana to get back with Vayne in any case."

Tryndamere: "Not a chance. We can blame the duel on Swain and LeBlanc, so your precious diplomacy will not be damaged."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "An excellent idea. Let's all go get our weapons and meet back here in an hour. I thirst for combat."

Tryndamere: "I am for you."

Ashe: "Men! Every one of you is a fool. You're risking all for nothing."

Tryndamere: "I've heard that before, hah hah."

Ashe: [aside] "Avarosa! He got that right."

[Act II Scene 11]

_Royal Demacian Botanical Gardens—Katarina/Fortune_

Katarina/Fortune: "Mission accomplished. This duel will destroy any chance of an alliance between Demacia and the Freljord. It may even lead to war! Time for me to make myself scarce. Swain can fend for himself—that cunning bastard can think his way out of any situation. Strength for glory! The things I do for my beloved country. Noxus, I hope you appreciate what this mission will cost me. Dear Garen finally admitted his love for me in public, and I was there to hear it, but of course, I couldn't return his love, and when he finds out about my role in tonight's business, he'll never forgive me. My love for him was always doomed, so I shouldn't grieve for something that could never be…but sometimes it hurts more than any wound. Now, I must be away, it would not do to be discovered by Vayne. That Night Hunter might pierce my disguise and then pierce my heart with one of her silver bolts. Farewell, Demacia. Farewell, Garen—I hope that we may meet again under more favourable circumstances."

[End of Act II]


	8. Chapter 8: Act III Scene 1

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

A League of Legends Fan Fiction Play

By Cavebear

**Dramatis Personae ACT III**

Andrei, a _magical technician_

Gotfrid, _Andrei's supervisor_

Maxim, Director of Tech Support, _known as The Finger, Gotfrid's boss_

Jarvan IV, Prince of Demacia, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jericho Swain_

Jericho Swain, Grand General of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jarvan IV_

Gangplank, Pirate King, _a League of Legends champion_

Sarah Fortune, _a bounty hunter and pirate chaser, a League of Legends champion_

Taric, _a knight, a League of Legends champion_

Katarina, Assassin of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, in love with Garen_

Garen Crownguard, _a League of Legends champion, in love with Katarina_

Luxanna Crownguard, _a League of Legends champion, sister to Garen_

Shyvana, Chamberlain,_ a League of Legends champion, bodyguard to Jarvan _

Vayne, _a Demacian warrior, a League of Legends champion_

Scene:

Act I—The Halls of Justice

Act II—The Demacian Royal Palace

Act III—The Demacian Royal Palace

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

[Act III Scene One]

_In front of the Demacian Royal Palace—Garen, Lux_

Garen: "Luxanna, you're lucky I happened to find you in time. What do you think would have happened if I hadn't…"

Lux: "Blah, blah, blah…can you stop shouting now? I think I have a hangover."

Garen: "The Crownguard family honour would have been compromised."

Lux: "Oh, lighten up, Big Brother."

Garen: "No, this is serious, Lux. You're always embarrassing me."

Lux: "You think I wasn't embarrassed, watching you chase Andrei around the hotel three times, shouting in that Garen-voice that can be heard halfway across Demacia?"

Garen: "He deserved it, trying to seduce a minor."

Lux: "I'm not a minor any more, Garen, I'm seventeen. I've been legal for over a year. You should be proud of me for lasting this long."

Garen: "Proud of you, you teenage tart?"

Lux: "What a killjoy! You're always watching me like a hawk. Can't I have a little fun?"

Garen: "What, with a commoner like that man?"

Lux: "Why not? You've been standing in the way of my pursuing the man I want, ever since I grew breasts."

Garen: "Jarvan? It's out of the question."

Lux: "No, you're wrong. Firstly, Jarvan likes me. The two of you used to think it was cute when I tagged along on your adventures. Secondly, crown princes of Demacia often marry daughters of Demacian noble houses. The only person who would disapprove is you. Oh, and Shyvana."

Garen: "Lux, please. Yes, you were an adorable little girl, and Jarvan and I both doted on you, but now it's different. Jarvan and I are brothers, it just wouldn't be right."

Lux: "You are blood-brothers, sworn to defend each other. If Jarvan married me, you would be his brother-in-law, nothing wrong with that. The two types of brotherhood are not exclusive, you know."

[long pause]

Garen: "Yes, I know. Deep down, I know that…but it's so hard for me to accept. I know I've often said that you deserve a prince, but why does it have to be Jarvan?"

Lux: "Because he's Demacian, like we are. That's a very good thing. You want to know what is ten times worse than me having a crush on Jarvan?"

Garen: "What?"

Lux: "You, Big Brother. You are head-over-heels for a Noxian. And the two of you, the way you pretend to hate each other, so that nobody will know you are hopelessly in love…it's cute, but it's also pathetic."

Garen: "How do you know about this? I've only told a couple of my closest drinking buddies, all Champions of the League."

Lux: "Ah yes, the Brotherhood of Champions. Well, you may be surprised to learn this, but there is a Sisterhood of Champions as well. I've learned a lot from them."

Garen: "And?"

Lux: "And quite a few of them think you are cute, think you are nice, and would like to get to know you better."

Garen: "I have never noticed this."

Lux: "For two reasons. One, you are pretty clueless when it comes to reading women. And two, they have been secretly warned that if they put the moves on you, a certain red-headed Noxian assassin will track them down and get cold-blooded revenge, despite the Institute of War and its regulations."

Garen: "Katarina did this? I find that hard to believe. Most days I find it hard to believe that she hasn't killed me yet, or that she will ever admit to warm feelings of any kind."

Lux: "No, it was her sister Cassiopeia. If you think our sibling relationship is complex, that one is unfathomable."

Garen: "Yeah, you're right. I guess I don't say it often enough, but I'm lucky to have you as a sister, and I love you, Lux."

Lux: "Oh, that's so sweet! I love you too, Big Brother. Does this mean that you are going to stop interfering in my love life?"

Garen: "Well, I'll try to avoid chasing your boyfriends three times around the hotel, screaming at the top of my lungs."

Lux: "Actually, that was pretty funny. You should have seen the looks on Andrei's face…"

Garen: "Demacia! I'll never understand you, little sister. I have to go find Jarvan, he might need me. It took me much longer than I anticipated to track you down. I do hope that Shyvana isn't breathing fire and calling for my head on a platter. When I left they were talking about some Noxian infiltrator, but hopefully there wasn't any trouble. I'd hate to have missed a good fight."

Lux: "Mind if I tag along?"

Garen: "Do you promise to help me with my romance, pathetic as you think it is?"

Lux: "Hey, Big Brother, don't say that. Your love is not pathetic, Garen, it's the behaviour of the two of you that is. Sure, I'll help you. I'm full of bright ideas."

Garen: "Well, you did beat Graves and a couple of the others at poker."

Lux: "They must have misunderestimated me."

Garen: "Is that even a word?"

Lux: "It is now."


	9. Chapter 9: Act III Scene 2

[Act III Scene Two]

_In front of the Demacian Royal Palace—Andrei, Gotfrid_

Andrei: "Bugger that was close! I thought I'd never shake that monster. How can a guy that big run so fast for so long? I guess he's light on his feet when not wearing a ton of armour."

Gotfrid: "Hey, Andrei! Going for a nice evening run?"

Andrei: "Shit! What the bloody hell are you doing here, Gotfrid?"

Gotfrid: "Looking for you, of course. You missed your check-in with Maxim."

Andrei: "Yes, well, about that…no harm, no foul, right?"

Gotfrid: "Right. Unfortunately, that is not the case here."

Andrei: "Bugger. Why, what is the problem?"

Gotfrid: "You are the agent on site, why don't you tell me?"

Andrei: "Last I heard, Gangplank had successfully managed to survive meeting Jarvan's father, mother, and Shyvana. Then for the reception…with Shyvana watching his back, what could have gone wrong?"

Gotfrid: "Why, don't you know?"

Andrei: "Maybe not. I wasn't there."

Gotfrid: "You should have been, you fool."

Andrei: "Sorry. Fortunately I was just with Taric a little while ago, and he seemed to be showing little inclination to meddle as Swain in Demacia's affairs of state."

Gotfrid: "Really?"

Andrei: "Really. We had dinner together and shared a few bottles of wine. Nothing earth-shattering about that."

Gotfrid: "With whom did you share a few bottles of wine? Just Swain, no doubt, as you were debriefing him?"

Andrei: "Erm, no doubt."

Gotfrid: "No treacherous and dangerous female companionship?"

Andrei: "No, he came in with Lux, his official Demacian escort, and left with Miss Sarah Fortune, who is in Demacia as a freelance journalist."

Gotfrid: "Somebody has been playing you for a fool. Are you an idiot, Andrei?"

Andrei: "I could answer that, but I don't want to disabuse you of any fondly held delusions."

Gotfrid: "Very glib. And why, 'Secret Agent Man', didn't Taric leave with Lux, the escort he arrived with? As he should have, I don't need to point out."

Andrei: "Well, ah...because…"

Gotfrid: "Blast it, Andrei! Don't tell me that it was because you left with Lux. Was that why Garen was chasing you like a madman?"

Andrei: "Well, ah…not immediately."

Gotfrid: "Oh, damnation. What did you do?"

Andrei: "Well, it was her idea actually. We went back to the hotel."

Gotfrid: "Please tell me it was only for a couple of martinis in the bar."

Andrei: "Well, what happened was we were going to Swain's suite for a…for a…"

Gotfrid: "For a foursome?"

Andrei: "Yeah, hot shit, eh? Couldn't fucking believe my luck."

Gotfrid: "Tonight of all nights, you horny bastard! Why couldn't you have waited until tomorrow? Hellfire! Could there have been a more inappropriate time?"

Andrei: "Relax, calm down. Nothing happened. The hotel had evicted Swain, probably because he is an arrogant Noxian bastard."

Gotfrid: "Taric was?"

Andrei: "Absolutely. I swear that man should have been an actor. Anyway, Taric and Sarah buggered off to the botanical gardens. Sounded perfectly safe to me. Lux invited me up to her room across the way in the Demacian Royal Palace, but we stopped in the hotel bar for a few more drinks first. Then we ended up dancing for a while—you should see Lux bounce when she is out on the floor—and then when we left the hotel, Garen jumped us…you probably heard the rest."

Gotfrid: "I don't believe the sheer lack of judgment you demonstrated. Unfortunately, it was Maxim who selected you for this job, so he's the one who will get the satisfaction of reaming you out."

Andrei: "Bugger. Why, what has gone wrong? Do you know something I don't"

Gotfrid: "Well, since you know nothing, you worthless piece of organic waste, that is a foregone conclusion. Would you like me to bring you up to speed?"

Andrei: "Sure. Whatever has gone wrong, I'm sure it wasn't my fault."

Gotfrid: "That's what you said about the teleportal accident too. Now I'm starting to wonder…"

Andrei: "Sod off. That one was out of our control, and you fucking know it. Just brief me, already, and then let's see what we can bloody do to fix the mess."

Gotfrid: "Well said. Positive attitude, for a change. Good news. We have recovered both of our little friends alive. They're resting up in hospital, while Maxim explains them the situation. They'll be here in a few hours. Time to start Operation Extraction."

Andrei: "Well, like I already told you, if you are looking for Taric, he was headed for the botanical gardens with Miss Sarah Fortune."

Gotfrid: "He's no longer there, my friend, he has been arrested. While you were chasing skirt, things have gone to hell in a handbasket."

Andrei: "So you keep saying, but I swear I know nothing."

Gotfrid: "Well, let's hope that it is not already too late, but according to Shyvana, whom I encountered not long ago, Swain was accompanied by LeBlanc disguised as Miss Fortune."

Andrei: "LeBlanc! Fuck me…"

Gotfrid: "They ran into Ashe, Tryndamere, Jarvan, and the real Sarah Fortune, and somehow engineered a duel between King Tryndamere and Prince Jarvan, which is to say, Gangplank. Apparently the duel will take place shortly back in the botanical gardens."

Andrei: "Someone was playing on Gangplank's obsessive jealousy with regards to Sarah, no doubt. I swear, that woman seems to enjoy shooting him down in public almost as much as she is rumoured to like making it up to him in private. By that I mean the real Sarah Fortune. LeBlanc, of course, is ten times worse. She's the distillation of every femme fatale in history, a lethal concoction of venom, ambition, and petty spite."

Gotfrid: "Forget about the gossip. Our problem is that the real Swain and Jarvan are going to show up, and find that one of them has been arrested and the other one is fighting a duel. This might make Operation Extraction almost impossible to perform believably."

Andrei: "Shit. Now that I think about it, the first thing Swain asked when he joined me and Sarah for dinner was something about why wasn't she running along, as he thought that she had much to do this evening. Bugger, Taric was in on Swain's little schemes and was playing along!"

Gotfrid: "We're snookered. Why does that man have to take his role so seriously? Couldn't he have just let the Noxian plans fail?"

Andrei: "I think he must care more about being a successful impersonator than geopolitics. Strange, since he is such a compassionate fellow in general."

Gotfrid: "Could he know something that we don't? Be acting for the greater good? I sure hope so, because otherwise…"

Andrei: "His success will be our misery. Old Finger is going to make trophies of us all."

Gotfrid: "Fried, dyed, and dipped in shellac."

Andrei: "Bloody hell. Is there some way we can stop the duel?"

Gotfrid: "Let's hope so. Quickly, boy blunder, to the botanical gardens!"

Andrei: "Boy blunder? Sod off."


	10. Chapter 10: Act III Scene 3

[Act III Scene Three]

_East Wing of the Demacian Royal Palace—Fortune, Swain, Taric/Swain_

Taric/Swain: "What's that sound?"

Fortune: "What do ye think is going on?"

[Enter Swain]

Swain: "So, this is my alter-ego and the talented LeBlanc."

Taric:/Swain: "It's you! How did you get past the guards?"

Swain: "Magic, of course. I would have thought a mastermind could have figured that out."

Taric/Swain: "Miss Fortune, could you give me a minute alone with this gentleman, if you please?"

Fortune: "I didn't know ye had a twin brother, Swain."

Taric/Swain: "Please allow me to insist. This is a delicate—means dangerous—family matter."

Fortune: "Sure. If he's yer brother, shouldn't ye be glad to see him?"

Taric/Swain: "Indeed I am. You have no idea how much."

[Taric/Swain embraces Swain warmly as Fortune withdraws]

Swain: "Now I feel dirty. It's like playing with oneself."

Taric/Swain: "Now, now, 'brother', it's not like I was squeezing your ass or anything. So, is it good to be back?"

Swain: "That depends. Is the news good?"

Taric/Swain: "I believe that you will be quite satisfied indeed with what we have accomplished here."

Swain: "Go on. I had hoped to disrupt diplomatic relations between Demacia and the Freljord, but…"

Taric/Swain: "I am five steps ahead of you. I fleshed out the sketchy plans I found in your desk, and with the aid of the loyal Katarina, executed them perfectly. Within the next few hours, Prince Jarvan will duel King Tryndamere, and regardless of the outcome, Noxus cannot but benefit."

Swain: "My thoughts exactly. Excellent work."

Taric/Swain: "Thank you, General. As my final act as acting Grand General, I request a promotion for Katarina. While I had my doubts initially, she has clearly demonstrated her resourcefulness and dedication to your country's cause."

Swain: "However, I do not trust anyone of the Du Couteau family, nor do they trust me."

Taric/Swain: "A small promotion, then. Not enough to endanger you, but enough to show that you recognise the value of quality workmanship. When it comes to covert operations, that woman was clearly to the manner born."

Swain: "Make a man Grand General for a few days, and he starts giving orders. May I remind you that I am the Grand General, and you are merely an actor.

Taric/Swain: "I am a grand actor, and this was the performance of a lifetime. If you had seen the show, I believe that you would have been converted into one of my devoted fans. In the end, it shall be as you wish. You may have your reasons for keeping the assassin in her place. I merely suggest that she deserves some credit.

Swain: "I don't trust her, but I am not afraid of her. What is her promotion to me? I'll give the orders."

Taric/Swain: "Most gracious of you, General. One other thing."

Swain: "What is it?

Taric/Swain: "I do not believe that the beautiful young woman across the room is LeBlanc, nor is she Katarina in disguise. So far as I can tell, she is the real Miss Sarah Fortune, and she is unaware of the game being played."

Swain: "Perhaps we should eliminate her, just to be on the safe side."

Taric/Swain: "But what if she really is LeBlanc—here on her own initiative, not acting under our command?"

Swain: "A calculated risk."

Taric/Swain: "I beg to differ. I am afraid I cannot let cold-blooded murder or assassination take place on my watch. I completed my mission without directly causing loss of life, and would appreciate it if you not mar the beauty of my work."

Swain: "What if Tryndamere or Jarvan is killed during their duel?"

Taric/Swain: "A calculated risk. The odds are against it, in any case."

Swain: "If Jarvan is killed it would ruin everything."

Taric/Swain: "That is something nobody would ever believe you capable of saying."

Swain: "I have my reason and it is a very cogent one."

Taric/Swain: "Offhand, I am guessing that it is because you want to be the one to kill him, and that it must be done by your own hand or your own magic—that merely arranging his death does not satisfy you. Something about the twisted sense of honour you are rumoured to possess."

Swain: "And you are free to believe that."

Taric/Swain: "I will not allow you to replace me unless you promise not to seek the life of the fair lady, no matter her true identity."

Swain: "Fallen for her, have you? Such sentiments are unworthy of a Noxian general."

Taric/Swain: "Ah, but of course I am not Noxian and I am not a general, and I am sentimental."

Swain: "I am surrounded by weakness. Very well, you have my word of honour, that if that woman does not cross me, I will not harm her. Will you take my word?"

Taric/Swain: "Certainly, brother. And you will answer to me if you break it."

Swain: "Strength for glory! Do you really think you could defeat me?"

Taric/Swain: "I do not believe that you can afford to take that risk."

Swain: "My thoughts exactly. To be honest, I admire a man who is not afraid to stand up to me, so I agree to your terms. The redhead lives, regardless of her true identity, and here is my hand as witness to my word."

Taric/Swain: "How did you get by the guards, by the way? I would have thought that a sizeable contingent was right outside the door. You didn't kill them all, I hope."

Swain: "Such scruples. Unbecoming a champion of your power."

Taric/Swain: "I am an artist. I have heightened sensitivities."

Swain: "You may put your mind at ease. They are merely asleep. One last thing. It suits my plans perfectly to be locked up while the duel unfolds. That way nobody can accuse me of foul play. Would you be so kind as to drop by the Noxian consulate and tell them to demand my immediate release?"

Taric/Swain: "Sound reasoning, General. If you don't mind, I'll be changing my uniform and then watching the duel first."

Swain: "Not at all. I'd enjoy watching that matchup myself, under other circumstances."

Taric/Swain: "Yes, it promises to be interesting."

Swain: "Thank you, 'General', for all that you have done."

Taric/Swain: "I'll take my leave. Do I have time to say farewell to the charming Miss Fortune?"

Swain: "I wouldn't risk it. Let me handle it for you."

Taric/Swain: "Very well. One last question: Did you like our new uniform?"

Swain: "Very striking. Bold and yet…stylish. To be honest, I hate it."

Taric/Swain: "May I keep it, or would you like it in your wardrobe? You never know, it may start to grow on you."

Swain: "Perish the thought. On the other hand…indeed, you never know. Leave it with the Noxian consulate."

Taric/Swain: "As you wish. Farewell, General."

Swain: "Farewell. If you ever need a favour, you will not find Noxus ungrateful."

Taric/Swain: "Heh."

[Exit Taric/Swain]


	11. Chapter 11: Act III Scene 4

[Act III Scene Four]

_The Royal Demacian Botanical Gardens—many characters:_

_Freljord: Ashe, Berit, Tryndamere_

_Demacia: Gangplank/Jarvan, Garen, Lux, Shyvana, Vayne_

_Neutral: Andrei, Gotfrid, Jinx, Taric, Vi_

[Enter Gangplank/Jarvan, Shyvana, and Vayne]

Shyvana: "Your father the King will be outraged that you choose to fight the duel after he ordered you not to."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "This is not my royal father's decision, this is a personal matter between myself and Tryndamere. He insulted my dignity, and asked me to beg forgiveness on bended knee. If my father were in his right mind he would see this as an insult not just to me, but to our family and indeed our country itself. Are you ready, Vayne?"

Vayne: "Of course, Your Highness. If anyone tries to interfere in the duel in order to harm you, my silver bolt will find his heart. My intuition tells me that Noxus seeks your death tonight. You may have Swain and his partner in crime locked safely away, but what if there is another, as yet unidentified Noxian saboteur?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I trust you will bring him swift death."

Vayne: "Your faith in me is not misplaced."

[Enter Ashe, Berit, and Tryndamere]

Tryndamere: "Avarosa! I live for this. Diplomacy, Tryndamere style. Once I thrash the little prince, he'll be begging to ally his country with the Freljord."

Ashe: "If you are wrong, I won't soon forgive you. Why do you always have to play the macho man?"

Tryndamere: "Every woman dreams of marrying a big man, and I'm sure you were no exception."

Ashe: "Yes, honey, you are big, strong, courageous, and proud, but to be a good king requires wisdom and spiritual strength, enough for an entire country…"

Tryndamere: "Big in more ways than one."

Ashe: "…but you don't listen very carefully, and you have a three-track mind."

Tryndamere: "If my victory secures us the treaty, I'm not sleeping on the floor tonight, and I'll be seeing you in a fur-trimmed leather bikini."

Berit: "I don't think he'll ever give up on that cherished fantasy of his, Your Majesty."

Ashe: "Tryndamere honey, if we secure the treaty tonight, I promise I'll make you forget every redhead you've ever seen."

Tryndamere: "Oooh. Those hot lips…ahhh…"

Berit: "Sire, don't forget about the Prince, he is said to be a master of sword, lance, and pistol."

Tryndamere: "…that burning passion…"

Berit: "He's gone, I'm afraid, Your Majesty. Avarosa, when you use that husky, sultry tone of voice on men, they melt like snow in springtime."

Ashe: "Unfortunately, many women have that effect on my dear husband. Especially redheads, it would seem."

Berit: "Now now, young lady. Let's not hate the ginger. Remember that I was a copper-topped head-turner back in my day."

Ashe: "I'm just worried that it is your sword-arm we'll be needing this day. I've got a bad feeling, like evil magic is afoot. Let's just get this started."

Tryndamere: "I am right and ready."

[Enter Jinx and Vi, arguing]

Vi: "I still don't understand why you are the delegate for Zaun—you don't even live there."

Jinx: "I'm a naturalised citizen, thanks to Fishbones. Fishbones is from Zaun, and I have the documents to prove it."

Vi: "That's a gun licence, not a marriage licence, you idiot."

Jinx: "Whatever. They're all the same, those papers. I'm from Zaun, 'cause I say so."

Vi: "Jinx. Stands for brain dead..."

Shyvana: "Welcome, worthy observers. According to the time-honoured traditions of Valoran, you are here to witness a duel of honour between royalty. On my right hand, the Crown Prince of Demacia, Jarvan IV, and on my left…"

Jinx: "Hhhhh. I'm bored already. When do they start fighting?"

Vi: "Psycho Girl, I'll give you five reasons to shut up."

Jinx: "Ooh, I'm shaking in my combat boots, Fat Hands."

Vi: "Sticks and stones, heh."

Shyvana: "Demacia! Girls, girls please. On my left, the King of the Freljord, Tryndamere."

Tryndamere: "I object!"

Shyvana: "What, did I pronounce your name wrong?"

Tryndamere: "No, I object to you being the arbiter of the duel. You are Jarvan's loyal bodyguard."

Shyvana: "I am Head of Security for the Royal Palace. Safeguarding the integrity of this duel is part of my job."

Ashe: "My husband has a valid point. Your feelings for the Prince make you less than impartial, which could compromise the honour of the duel. We insist upon a more neutral arbiter."

Shyvana: "Grrrr. Are you insulting my professionality?"

Jinx: "Sure sounds like it, hahaha."

Ashe: "No, Lady Shyvana, your work ethic is not in question, merely your heart. Do you not think it best to step aside?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "You can be my second second. After all, King Tryndamere brought his own harem."

Shyvana: "I'll not be likened to a member of any harem, not even by you, Your Highness."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Let me rephrase: Would you like to be an honourable part of my team, my valiant warrior? Your prince does not demand it, your friend requests it. Please, Shyvana."

Shyvana: "Oh very well. I'm sure that I can take that white-braided Valkyrie with one claw tied behind my back, if it comes to that. Please give me a minute to select my replacement arbiter."

Tryndamere: "Make it quick. I'm in the mood for fight."

Shyvana: "Of course, Your Majesty. Jinx, have you ever been the arbiter of a duel before?"

Jinx: "No, but it sounds like fun."

Shyvana: "Good. Allow me to explain the rules."

Jinx: "Whatever, let's just start shooting."

Shyvana: "No, as the arbiter you aren't allowed to do any shooting."

Jinx: "What? Aww, c'mon, what's the worst that could happen?"

Shyvana: "No, this is a formal duel: it is important to obey the protocols."

Jinx: "Said no one, ever. Kidding. You're not laughing."

Shyvana: "I've changed my mind. Jinx, we won't be needing your services. Vi, how about you?"

Vi: "Law and Order all day every day, that's me. I can handle this."

Shyvana: "So, do you know the rules?"

Vi: "Yep, and if anyone breaks them I'll arrest his ass."

Shyvana: "You have to watch for infractions…"

Vi: "Vi. Stands for vigilant."

Shyvana: "Good, well allow me to complete the formalities."

Vi: "Let's get to the fun part."

Jinx: "I'm with Fat Hands on this. Wanna see some action."

Tryndamere: "I totally agree with Pink and Blue. Let's dance."

Shyvana: "Hold your hand! According to protocol, either side has the right to offer an apology. If accepted, the duel can be avoided without loss of honour."

[Enter Garen, Lux, and Taric]

Garen: "My Liege, what is going on here? I see people in battle readiness."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "King Tryndamere and I have decided to fight a little duel."

Garen: "But…we're all friends!"

Tryndamere: "Sorry buddy. We said some stupid things and one thing led to another."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Tryndamere here is upset that I kissed his wife."

Garen: "You kissed Ashe? High five!"

Lux: "Double standard, Big Brother. You wouldn't be high-fiving the Prince if he kissed me, would you?"

Ashe: "I can't believe how stupid men are."

Berit: "You married one, what does that say about you?"

Ashe: "Don't remind me. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to be a lesbian."

Berit: "I'm sure that being married to Sejuani would be no better."

Ashe: "Too true, unfortunately. I should have married somebody with more sense, like Taric."

Taric: "Very kind of you, Your Majesty."

Ashe: "Taric! What are you doing here? I didn't see you at the reception."

Taric: "I am being fashionably late. I do hope that I have not missed the opportunity to enjoy some witty repartee with the well-dressed and the fashion-impaired alike."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "The time for words has passed. We are awaiting the signal for close action."

Shyvana: "First, the ritual formalities. You must not forego the chance at reconciliation, for your royal father's sake."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Not interested. By the way, where is Miss Fortune?"

Shyvana: "When you had one of them arrested, the other made herself scarce. Understandable, under the circumstances. Surely you are not thinking of her, at a time like this?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I blame her. If she had not kissed Tryndamere, I would not have kissed Ashe."

Vayne: "Sorry to disagree, Your Highness, but you probably would have kissed Ashe in any case. You kiss all the girls."

Shyvana: "It's true."

Lux: "That's false. He hasn't kissed me yet."

Shyvana: "That's because you are still a tween."

Lux: "I am NOT a tween, I'm seventeen!"

Garen: "Lux, give it a rest. Your Highness, couldn't you just kiss her once, please? Otherwise, I'm going to be hearing the "Why does Jarvan always ignore me?" speech for the rest of my life."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Really, Garen? You don't mind? To be honest, I've never kissed little Lux because I didn't fancy being chased three times around the Royal Palace, with you screaming at me in that voice that can be heard halfway to Noxus."

Garen: "Really, Jarvan? I thought it was because you thought of her as a sister."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I was just saying that to keep you from worrying. If I had said that Lux has matured into the second most beautiful blonde in Runeterra after Ashe, your overprotective nature would have become full-on paranoia."

Lux: "I'm second best to Ashe? That means Jarvan thinks I'm the most beautiful blonde in Demacia. Tee hee! Perky-perky for the win! Yaaah! Superior tactics!"

Garen: "Oh, be quiet, you teenage tart. I'm trying to help you, but can't you see you are embarrassing the hell out of me?"

Shyvana: "I really hate that girl."

Vayne: "I agree. That kind of kawaii should only be allowed in Ionia. I'd shoot her through the heart, right now, only Garen would be sad."

Lux: "Heyyy. That's not nice."

[Enter Andrei and Gotfrid]

Gotfrid: "Greetings, champions, ladies, and gentlemen. My name is Gotfrid and this is Andrei. We are representatives of the Institute of War. The rumour has it that there is to be a duel between Prince Jarvan and King Tryndamere."

Tryndamere: "The rumour is correct."

Gotfrid: "Under the terms of the treaties signed between your respective countries and city-states, and the Institute, armed conflict between countries is to be carried out by proxy on the Fields of Justice. Champions are not permitted to wage war indiscriminately."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "This isn't war between Demacia and the Freljord, this is a personal disagreement, and we will duel if we please."

Andrei: "But your duel risks leading to war."

Tryndamere: "If it does, you're saying we should wage it by proxy in the arena? Fine by me."

Ashe: "Tryndamere honey, we're not here to start a war, legally or otherwise."

Tryndamere: "Don't worry, this won't lead to war."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "That's right. Nobody in the Freljord will care if King Tryndamere gets his fool self killed—and if he does, I'm sure that Queen Ashe will have a hundred worthy warlords waiting to court her as soon as she comes out of mourning—maybe even before. No need to send the arrows of war to every tribe and call up the warbands."

Tryndamere: "Are you mocking the Queen? Nobody makes fun of Queen Ashe. Ashe IS the Freljord. How would you like it if I started making fun of King Jarvan III and his interminable boring speeches?"

Garen: "You dare insult the King of Demacia?"

Andrei: "Bloody hell."

Gotfrid: "We're snookered."

Andrei: "Fucking dead meat."

Shyvana: "Your Highness, please apologise for kissing the Queen. Can't you see that the Barbarian King is only looking for an excuse to fight?"

Tryndamere: "Barbarian? I'll show you barbaric. You don't even know the meaning of the word barbarism. Plus, my goatee is immaculate, I have an excellent barbar. Wait, that doesn't sound right…"

Vayne: "If the shoe fits…"

Ashe: "Careful, my King. Who will benefit if these insults get out of hand? Not the Freljord. Stay cool, cold as ice."

Berit: "Be guided by the Queen, Your Majesty. But if they strike first, you strike back hard. I've got your back."

Ashe: "Berit!"

Berit: "Sorry. To be honest I think that if the Demacians start something, they deserve what we will give them."

Ashe: "Ancestors, let this not degenerate into a common brawl! That would mar all."

Tryndamere: "Nice, that rhymes."

Vi: "Hey, I'm the arbiter here. And I say to all of you: Shut up! SHUT UP!"

Jinx: "You tell 'em, Fat Hands. Bet the two of us could take the whole lot."

Vi: "I disagree."

Jinx: "Figures."

Vi: "But Taric is a neutral champion too. With him on our team we would definitely be kicking ass and taking names."

Jinx: "Hey, we'd have the Demacian team outnumbered."

Vi: "How do you figure? There are five of them: Jarvan, Shyvana, Vayne, Garen, and Lux."

Jinx: "There are six of us, durr. You, me, Pow-Pow, Fishbones, Taric, and Adelaide."

Vi: "Adelaide?"

Jinx: "His hammer."

Taric: "Do you have a problem with that name?"

Vi: "Nah. It's perfectly you. Well, let's get cracking."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Good idea. King Tryndamere, guess what?"

Tryndamere: "What?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I don't apologise for kissing your wife. She's too good for you."

Tryndamere: "Well, you'll never have the chance to kiss a wife of your own. I'm going to cut out your tongue."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Bring it!"

Tryndamere: "I am your worst nightmare! Rrraahh!"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Yaaarrh! Demacia!"

Vi: "As arbiter, I hereby declare the duel officially on. Good luck, have fun!"


	12. Chapter 12: Act III Scene 5

[Act III Scene Five]

_The Royal Demacian Botanical Gardens—many characters:_

_Freljord: Ashe, Berit, Tryndamere_

_Demacia: Gangplank/Jarvan, Garen, Lux, Shyvana, Vayne, Guards_

_Neutral: Andrei, Gotfrid, Jinx, Taric, Vi_

[Gangplank/Jarvan and Tryndamere are duelling]

Tryndamere: "I was going to axe you if you minded my choice of weapon. Get it: Axe you. Hardy har har!"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I could have speared you the effort, I really couldn't care less. Get it: Speared you. Aaarrhh!"

Ashe: "Ancestors! They are both acting like boys. Do they really think they are funny?"

Vayne: "Unfortunately, yes."

Garen: "You have the advantage of reach, my liege. Wait until he is recovering his swing, then hit him with a low lunge."

Berit: "Foul! Only the seconds are allowed to give advice."

Vi: "Garen, you have been a bad boy. Go stand in the corner, with your hands over your eyes."

Garen: "Yes, ma'am."

Vi: "And no peeking through your fingers."

Jinx: "Hey Fat Hands, you should get a job teaching kindergarten."

Vi: "Says the ADHD juvenile delinquent."

Jinx: "ADHD. Stands for Attack Damage Happy marksman, Durr."

Vi: "Nope. Stands for Arbiter Doesn't Have time to listen to Dumbass remarks."

Shyvana: "Be quiet, you two. Acronyms Don't Help Duellists."

Jinx: "Hahaha, be quiet."

Gotfrid: "This is going to be painful."

Andrei: "The way Tryndamere is laying a beatdown on Jarvan?"

Gotfrid: "No, listening to the spectators."

Berit: "He did it! Tryndamere chopped Jarvan's spear in half. Good work, Your Majesty."

Tryndamere: "Look, it's so cute. Do you like your new javelin, Jarvan?"

[Gangplank/Jarvan throws the half-spear at Tryndamere, drawing first blood, then follows up using the other half as a club]

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Love it. There's nothing like a nice piece of hickory."

Tryndamere: "Do you really think you can do any lasting damage with that little piece of wood?"

Gangplank/Jarvan: "I don't need to."

[Gangplank/Jarvan smashes his club against Tryndamere's knuckles, then drops the club, grabs the axe, and wrestles it away]

Shyvana: "That's the way to do it! Now punish him with the axe."

[Gangplank/Jarvan breaks the haft of the axe over his knee and tosses it aside]

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Ahaaarrh! Round One to Demacia."

Vayne: "What a show-off."

Lux: "What a man."

Andrei: "What a bloody idiot."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "My sword, if you please."

Tryndamere: "My sword is twice as big."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Size isn't everything."

Tryndamere: "Traditional lame excuse of every small man who feels intimidated by a real man…"

Ashe: "Here we go again…"

Tryndamere: "…and the traditional lie of every woman who has to make do with a small man while she secretly longs for a real man."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Skill beats size any day, both in combat and in the bedroom. This sword is plenty big enough to take down a loudmouth braggart like you."

Tryndamere: "When skill is equally matched, size always determines the outcome. You've already lost."

Ashe: "Don't get overconfident, honey. Jarvan has hunted dragons; he knows how to defeat bigger, stronger opponents."

Tryndamere: "He used his charm to tame himself a little dragonette, but his sweet words will have no effect on me."

Shyvana: "You'll pay for that comment, barbarian. Dragonette, indeed. In dragon form I am bigger than either of you."

Vayne: "You tell him, girl."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "En garde, King. Let's see if you can back up words with deed."

Tryndamere: "Do you think you can follow my blade? Lay on, Jarvan."

Garen: "Arbiter, can I come back and watch now? I promise I'll be good."

Vi: "On one condition: you stand with the neutrals and not with the Demacians."

Garen: "But I am Demacian!"

Vi: "Or don't, I don't care. You are free to stay there in your corner."

Garen: "Fine, fine."

Jinx: "I know how you feel, big guy—I think it's fun to interfere where I am not wanted. Wanna join our team?"

Taric: "This is not a team fight, young lady."

Jinx: "Not until we start fighting, no. Hahaha."

Andrei: "Bugger, that would be just what we need now, a team fight. Shit."

Gotfrid: "Don't encourage her, Andrei. She doesn't even think once about blowing things up."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Hey ugly! Why is a manly man like yourself having such a hard time getting past my guard?"

Tryndamere: "I don't need to get past your guard, I am going to go through your guard instead."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "You can't even get by Fiora's guard."

Tryndamere: "Even if that were true, she's a better fighter than you are, so who cares?"

Vayne: "Enough trash talking, Your Highness. You can taunt the barbarian all you like after you defeat him."

Ashe: "Don't waste all your strength, honey. You can see he is just trying to wear you down."

Tryndamere: "Won't work. I can go all night."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Hah! Second blood."

Tryndamere: "You call that blood? Barely even a scratch."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Give it up, King. You're never going to hit me."

Tryndamere: "When I do, you won't be able to feel it, you'll be dead."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Hah! I'd call that third blood, only I doubt you can count that high."

Tryndamere: "Now you've made me mad, insulting my math skills. I'll have you know that I can count to a hundred no problem."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "The size of your army, right?"

Tryndamere: "Don't you dare insult the size of my army."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Yeah, because if size is all that matters—which it is, according to your limited mental process—the Demacian army has that of the Freljord beat every day of the week. We've got the largest army in Valoran. What do you say to that?"

Tryndamere: "Well, I…"

Shyvana: "Well done, my Prince. You've beaten him using his own logic."

Tryndamere: "Beaten, never. All you've done is made me mad. And I fight better when I am mad."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "We'll see about that. Mad King Tryndamere—has a nice ring to it, I like it."

Tryndamere: "Don't make me kill you, little prince."

Gangplank/Jarvan: "Do your worst, loudmouth. I'll show you more pain. I bet you are a screamer."

Tryndamere: "What? Diiiiieee!"

Gotfrid: "Looks like they are finally fighting for real."

Jinx: "About time. I was getting bored."

Berit: "Fury of the North. Can any man of the South stand before it?"

[Gangplank/Jarvan is fighting desperately. He scores several hits. Tryndamere doesn't feel any pain, and eventually he lands a solid hit to the chest, breaking Gangplank/Jarvan's ribs and knocking him to the ground]

Ashe: "The Freljord wins! Honour is satisfied."

Tryndamere: "Rrrrrr! I won't be satisfied until I am bathing in his blood. Die, Jarvan!"

[Tryndamere raises his sword for the killing blow]

Lux: "Nooo! Don't do it! Please, mercy."

Ashe: "Honey, you've won. You are the big man now. Spare his life."

Tryndamere: "I've had enough of you telling me what to do, woman!"

[Ashe raises her bow, an arrow already on the string. Vayne sees this, levels her crossbow, and fires. Ashe's arrow hits Tryndamere in the right arm. Vayne's bolt hits Ashe in the chest. Ashe falls]

Berit: "My Lady!"

Tryndamere: "Did my wife just shoot me in the arm? Did Ashe deliberately fire at ME?"

Vayne: "Not necessarily. My shot may have broken her aim."

Tryndamere: "You think she was aiming at Jarvan?"

Vayne: "I couldn't take that chance."

Vi: "King Tryndamere, you have won the duel. Is your honour satisfied?"

Tryndamere: "I think she shot at me."

Garen: "Is that how you flirt in the Freljord?"

Tryndamere: " … "

Berit: "Yes. Yes it is."

Tryndamere: "She doesn't love me any more."

Berit: "Yes, she does."

Tryndamere: "I don't believe you. I hate civilization, and I hate diplomacy! I'm leaving."

[Exit Tryndamere]

Shyvana: "Summon the Royal Healer immediately. Take the Prince inside."

Taric: "I'm a healer too. Let me help Ashe. Mercy, this bolt bit deep! My Lady, it's Taric. Don't try to speak, save your strength. Berit, please help me with her breastplate."

Gotfrid: "Andrei, you go with Jarvan, I'll stay here with Ashe."

Andrei: "Right away."

[Exit Andrei with Guards carrying Gangplank/Jarvan]

Lux: "Can I go with Jarvan?"

Shyvana: "Absolutely not. You stay here with Garen."

Vayne: "I'm going to take a look around for Noxian spies."

Gotfrid: "If Queen Ashe dies, all is lost. Valoran will be plunged into war."

Jinx: "Who needs peace, anyway?"


	13. Chapter 13: Act III Scene 6

[Act III Scene Six]

_The Royal Demacian Botanical Gardens—Ashe, Berit, Garen, Gotfrid, Katarina, Jinx, Lux, Shyvana, Taric, Vayne, Vi, and Demacian Guards and two Noxian Soldiers_

Shyvana: "Go get me a report on the Prince's condition. On the double."

Lux: "I'll go with the guard."

Shyvana: "No, you won't, you pernicious perky pipsqueak."

Lux: "No need for personal attacks. I'm just trying to help."

Shyvana: "We don't need any more of your so-called 'bright ideas'. You stay here. And be quiet."

[exit Guard]

Lux: "Demacia! I thought dragons were supposed to be patient. Why does Shyvana have it in for me? Yet again."

Garen: "We're all on edge, Little Sister. Jarvan is not just your crush, he's the future of our country, you know. And my best friend."

Lux: "I think she's just being jealous and petty."

Garen: "Shyvana is Jarvan's bodyguard, responsible for his safety to the King. Obviously, she's worried. Plus, she loves him."

Lux: "Wait, according to you, I have a crush on Jarvan, but Shyvana is in love? How is that fair?"

Garen: "Fine, you love Jarvan too. But if you love me, you'll give it a rest. You're getting on everyone's nerves."

Lux: "Whatever."

Gotfrid: "How is the Queen?"

Taric: "We'll know presently. If you believe in the power of prayer, I suggest you start praying."

Berit: "Avarosa and all the Ancestors protect her."

Gotfrid: "Let me know if there is anything I can do."

Taric: "Please don't distract me."

Gotfrid: "Sorry."

[re-enter Guard]

Shyvana: "Well? Report."

Guard: "Preliminary examination reveals several broken ribs, one of which has punctured a lung, so there is internal bleeding. Also, a powerful enchantment was discovered."

Shyvana: "What type of enchantment? A hex? Maybe an emotion-altering spell—the Prince has been acting a bit unusually recently."

Guard: "The Royal Healer is going to try to dispel it."

Shyvana: "Go back to the Prince's side, and bring me any news immediately."

Guard: "Yes, Ma'am."

[exit Guard]

Jinx: "Hhhhh. I'm bored. I think I'll go look for some action."

Vi: "Good riddance. On second thought, I think I'll go with you. Somebody has to keep you out of trouble."

Jinx: "Hahaha, out of trouble."

[exit Jinx and Vi]

[enter Vayne, Katarina, in a Noxian military dress uniform, with two Noxian soldiers]

Vayne: "Shaundra Vayne, reporting. I went looking for Noxians, and found three of the scum, entering the garden. They demanded to see you, Lady Shyvana."

Shyvana: "What do they want? Katarina! What are you doing here?"

Katarina: "I just arrived from Noxus with the diplomatic courier, and what do I find? A rumour that the official Noxian observer, Jericho Swain, has been arrested and is being detained. If this is in fact true, Noxus demands his immediate release. The Grand General is a meticulous man and wouldn't have broken your rules."

Vayne: "Unless he thought he could get away with it, of course."

Katarina: "Lady Shyvana, please ask your pet hunter to stop trying to antagonise a recognised representative of the Noxian High Command who is performing an official diplomatic function."

Shyvana: "First Lux, now Katarina. What a trying evening. Please give me a minute, Assassin of Noxus. I will confer with my compatriots. Garen, Lux, and Vayne, over there with me, please."

[Shyvana, Garen, Lux, and Vayne move away]

Shyvana: "The report is that Jarvan has been subjected to a powerful enchantment. If anyone has placed a harmful spell on Jarvan, it will have been the odious LeBlanc. Those Noxians there are here to demand Swain's immediate release. Your thoughts?"

Garen: "Unless the spell was one which affected his fighting, the Prince was injured by King Tryndamere in a fair duel. How could the General be held accountable for that?"

Vayne: "My patrols failed to reveal any Noxian saboteurs in the vicinity before, during, or after the duel."

Shyvana: "I feel that I have no choice but to summon Swain and LeBlanc and allow them to defend themselves against the charge of impersonating a diplomatic observer. Otherwise, Noxus will seek retribution."

Lux: "I was assigned as Swain's escort, do you want my opinion?"

Shyvana: "No."

Lux: "Why not?"

Garen: "You left Swain to go dancing with that Institute guildsman, Andrei."

Lux: "Oh, right. Sorry."

Shyvana: "Vayne, you and Garen go and bring Grand General Jericho Swain and his companion here immediately. Take the rest of the guards, just in case."

[exit Garen, Vayne, and Guards]

Shyvana: "Assassin, your precious General will be allowed to defend himself against the charge of conspiracy. If there is no proof, we will release him to you."

Katarina: "Is that fear I smell?"

Shyvana: "I'm not afraid of anyone or anything. There is no way that you can bait me."

Katarina: "No? You are in charge of security around here, right? Then what is the Queen of the Freljord doing lying in a pool of her own blood over there? I can't wait to hear the explanation."

Shyvana: "She tried to interfere in a duel, so Vayne shot her."

Katarina: "Nice. How did King Tryndamere take that? I bet he is off raising the Freljord armies as we speak."

Shyvana: "Vayne and Ashe were seconds; the action was perfectly legal."

Katarina: "I'm sure. You Demacians, always so self-righteous."

Shyvana: "I feel certain that somehow Swain and LeBlanc were responsible for the trouble."

Katarina: "Have fun trying to prove that. Swain skipped the formalities entirely, while LeBlanc is demonstrably at the Institute. If Swain is not released, Demacia will find itself with two wars on its hands instead of just one."

Shyvana: "Have I told you recently how much I hate Noxians like you?"

Katarina: "Try to imagine how much I care. Do you know why I always try to annoy you?"

Shyvana: "I don't care why."

Katarina: "Because I can."

Shyvana: "Bitch."

Katarina: "Ha ha ha! By the way, where is Prince Jarvan? Off looking for another Queen to kiss?"

Shyvana: "How dare you! Wait a minute…how did you know about that? Didn't you just arrive from Noxus?"

Katarina: "Everyone knows about the duel."

Shyvana: "But not about why it was fought. Swain has been communicating with you, hasn't he?"

Katarina: "Maybe a little bird told me."

Shyvana: "Where are Quinn and Valor when you need them? Valor could tear Swain's familiar to shreds in the blink of an eye."

Katarina: "Typical Demacian losing strategy: Always in the wrong place at the right time."

Shyvana: "This is a Noxian conspiracy, I am sure of it."

Katarina: "Without proof, you've lost. Strength for glory, this has been fun."

Shyvana: "Laugh now while you can. Your time will come, you insufferable harpy."

Katarina: "Heh."

Berit: "Ancestors! Thanks be to Avarosa, the Queen will live! You've done it, Sir Taric!"

Ashe: "Once again, I feel the touch of your gentle healing hands."

Taric: "Rest easy, My Lady. You won't even have a scar."

Ashe: "I've missed you, my old friend."

Taric: "Likewise, my old friend."

[Taric kisses Ashe on the forehead. Enter Guard, who whispers into Shyvana's ear]

Shyvana: "Gangplank! Impersonating Prince Jarvan? Where is the real Prince? Go, tell King Jarvan that he is needed immediately. Tell him that this matter cannot wait, as it involves a conspiracy against the life of the Crown Prince."

[Exit Guard]

Lux: "Has something happened to Prince Jarvan? What's going on? Why doesn't anybody ever listen to me?"

Katarina: "I daresay that Noxus had nothing to do with this. Maybe today is "Everyone Hates Demacia" day or something. Interesting."

Shyvana: "Drop dead."

Gotfrid: [aside] "Damnation. The situation is impossibly tricky and delicate. One misstep and all of the Institute's good work will come to nothing, and thousands of innocent lives will be lost."


	14. Chapter 14: Act IV Scene 1

_**DOPPELGANGERS**_

A League of Legends Fan Fiction Play

By Cavebear

**Dramatis Personae ACT IV**

Andrei, a _magical technician_

Gotfrid, _Andrei's supervisor_

Maxim, Director of Tech Support, _known as The Finger, Gotfrid's boss_

Jarvan IV, Prince of Demacia, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jericho Swain_

Jericho Swain, Grand General of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jarvan IV_

Gangplank, Pirate King, _a League of Legends champion_

Sarah Fortune, _a bounty hunter and pirate chaser, a League of Legends champion_

Taric, _a knight, a League of Legends champion_

Katarina, Assassin of Noxus, _a League of Legends champion, in love with Garen_

Garen Crownguard, _a League of Legends champion, in love with Katarina_

Luxanna Crownguard, _a League of Legends champion, sister to Garen_

Shyvana, Chamberlain,_ a League of Legends champion, bodyguard to Jarvan _

Vayne, _a Demacian warrior, a League of Legends champion_

Ashe, Queen of the Freljord,_ a League of Legends champion_

Tryndamere, King of the Freljord,_ a League of legends champion, husband to Ashe_

Berit,_ a shield-maiden, Ashe's body servant_

Jarvan III, King of Demacia,_ father to Jarvan IV_

[Act IV Scene One]

_Main Hall of the Demacian Royal Palace—Andrei, Ashe, Berit, Fortune, Garen, Gotfrid, Katarina, King Jarvan, Lux, Shyvana, Swain, Tryndamere, Vayne_

[Enter Andrei and Gotfrid]

Andrei: "Shit! This doesn't look good."

Gotfrid: "No it doesn't, but all is not lost."

Andrei: "One of our men was discovered. What makes you think Gangplank won't spill his guts about the whole affair?"

Gotfrid: "He's stubborn."

Andrei: "You make it sound so bloody simple. Tryndamere is off in a big sulk, having nothing further to do with the diplomatic process. His signature is required on any treaty, so without him the whole visit of state is a waste. We could have stayed at home and done bugger-fuck-all for the same effect."

Gotfrid: "Our efforts were not a complete waste of time."

Andrei: "Mine were. I was this close to getting laid."

Gotfrid: "Didn't you spend an enchanted evening with the self-proclaimed 'most beautiful blonde in Demacia'?"

Andrei: "True. That was better than nothing. And Swain—I mean Taric—did pick up the tab for the dinner. I had forgotten about that. So, you're right, our efforts were not a complete waste of time."

Gotfrid: "Taric managed to avoid getting himself discovered while acting as Swain, and he did likely save Ashe's life. That counterbalances the fact that he seems to have been a willing participant in whatever Noxian chicanery is afoot."

Andrei: "If Ashe had died we had been well and truly sodomised. The Demacians are also allowing him to help heal Gangplank, that is nice of them."

Gotfrid: "What worries me is that if I am not mistaken, impersonating Demacian royalty is a capital crime in Demacia. Gangplank may have escaped being hanged for piracy, only to be beheaded for participating in what was presented to him as a practical joke. I feel that we must do something to help him."

Andrei: "Shit, yes. But what?"

Gotfrid: "Quiet, here come the Demacians with Swain and LeBlanc. Let's withdraw and see how this plays out."

Andrei: "Are you sure that is LeBlanc? Maybe it is the real Sarah Fortune."

Gotfrid: "That might be just as bad or worse. If the Demacians can't blame the Noxians for everything that has been going on, they may start to suspect us."

Andrei: "Bugger."

[Andrei and Gotfrid withdraw. Enter Shyvana, a Mage, a Physician, a Scribe, and Guards with Swain and Fortune]

Swain: "Make this quick, Lady Shyvana. Of exactly what indictable offence am I being accused?"

Shyvana: "You conspired with LeBlanc to impersonate Miss Sarah Fortune…"

Fortune: "I be not LeBlanc, I be the original Sarah Fortune, and I can hardly be accused of impersonating meself."

Shyvana: "…and you pretended to be an invited diplomatic observer when Bilgewater in fact chose not to send a delegate."

Fortune: "I never claimed to be a diplomatic observer, I be here as a freelance journalist. I'll have ye know I often contribute pieces for The Daily Bilge, to supplement me earnings as a bounty hunter."

Shyvana: "I don't believe you, so I have brought a mage and a physician to examine you. We'll soon see whether or not you are a lying Noxian illusionist or not."

Fortune: "By all means, check me out. Ye'll find that me breasts are young and all-natural. LeBlanc may need magic to support and enhance her 200-year-olds, but that's her problem and not me own. However, I do insist that ye should not have me examined here in the middle of the Great Hall, in front of the eyes of the guards and the servants."

Shyvana: "Unfortunately, LeBlanc, we need to keep you in plain sight at all times. Otherwise, you might just try to do one of your little disappearing acts."

Fortune: "Blow me down, I assure ye that I'll not be leaving this place without me guns, which are on yer person, Shyvana dearie. When I finish proving me identity to yer satisfaction, I'll be having them back, if it please ye, or not."

Shyvana: "Sorry, security trumps modesty tonight. We have discovered Gangplank impersonating Jarvan IV, and the real crown prince is nowhere to be found."

Fortune: "Is that why ye have it in for me then? Gangplank is in yer bad books and both of us hail from Bilgewater? Clearly ye have arrested the wrong lass, and let the real troublemaker go free."

Swain: "Don't fret, Miss Fortune. I can assure you that Demacian hospitality toward Noxians is no better."

Fortune: "Is that supposed to reassure me then? Ye and yer tricks are perhaps the very reason the Demacians seem to be mistrusting all foreigners, Mr. Swain, so I cannot thank ye. Proceed then, Dragon-lady, have yer expert lackies search me and scry me as much as ye please, ye'll not find anything hidden in me outfit but genuine Miss Fortune equipment. As ye can plainly see, this outfit is not designed to conceal."

Shyvana: "I thank you for your co-operation. Get to work."

[Fortune is examined by Mage and Physician, with Scribe taking notes]

Andrei: [aside] "My parents wanted me to go to medical school, and now I wish I had. Bugger, that doctor has an agreeable job."

Gotfrid: [aside] "Down, boy. Maybe you should look out the windows at the Piltover airship instead."

Andrei: [aside] "No thanks. What is one mechanical wonder compared to the two wonders of the natural world on display over there? I don't see you looking away."

Gotfrid: [aside] "I'm starting to think you may be right after all. That may just be genuine Miss Fortune equipment and not an illusion."

Andrei: [aside] "Hey, sod off. I am occasionally right, you know."

Gotfrid: [aside] "Quiet, they'll hear us."

[Scribe whispers the reports of the experts' findings to Shyvana]

Shyvana: "I don't know how to say this, but it looks like we owe you an apology, Miss Fortune. Somehow we arrested the wrong one. That means that LeBlanc got away. Demacia! We should have arrested both of you."

Fortune: "I'll have me guns now, if ye please."

Swain: "If she is not LeBlanc, then there is no Noxian conspiracy."

Shyvana: "Not so fast! Just because your partner in crime is nowhere to be found does not mean that you, Swain, are innocent. You, Sarah, are free to go."

Fortune: "Don't be surprised if me coverage of this event is less than flattering to Demacia. I be sure the readers of The Daily Bilge will be interested to know how citizens of our city-state are treated here in the so-called Jewel of Valoran."

Shyvana: "I'd be interested to learn the number of readers you think you have, as I was under the impression that most inhabitants of Bilgewater cannot read."

Fortune: "Oh, if only I had a good stiff double-rum in me hand right now…"

Swain: "Let me guess: Lady Shyvana would soon be wearing it, am I right?"

Fortune: "Exactly right, dearie."

Swain: "May I go now?"

Shyvana: "No. So long as Prince Jarvan is missing, we will be holding you as prime suspect."

Swain: "You have no evidence. If I am not released by sunrise, consider yourself at war with Noxus. Can you afford to have that decision upon your head, Dragon-lady?"

Shyvana: "King Jarvan would have my head if I let you go with his beloved son still missing."

Swain: "I'm sure he is around here somewhere…perhaps in some beautiful young lady's bedchamber?"

Shyvana: "I care not, so long as he is safe."

Swain: "Really? How open-hearted of you, Shyvana. I am impressed. So, you would be relieved to see him again, even were he to reveal that he had been spending quality time with Luxanna Crownguard?"

Shyvana: "Grrr. I don't know whom I hate more, you or Katarina. By the way, where is your precious familiar?"

Swain: "Probably socialising in the Royal Aviary. Learning some choice Demacian curses from the parrots, no doubt. Hah hah."

Shyvana: "Not funny. Please do feel free to be quiet, Swain."

Swain: "That's General Swain to you, Lady."

Shyvana: "When I see Quinn and Valor, I'll have a little suggestion for them that might make you most unhappy."

Swain: "Oh, I'm crying. By the time anyone reaches the Aviary, my friend will already be back in the safety of the Noxian Embassy."

Shyvana: "I am almost hoping that we will soon be at war, so that I can kill you again and again on the Fields of Justice."

Swain: "You can certainly dream."

[Enter King Jarvan with Garen, Lux, and Guards. Enter Vayne with Katarina and Soldiers]

Garen: "LONG LIVE THE KING!"

Guards: "Long live the King!"

[King Jarvan sits on a throne]

King Jarvan: "We see an enemy in my hall. Protocol grants this man diplomatic immunity, and bids us welcome him to Demacia. However, if he has committed a crime during his stay, then his immunity is null and void. Grand General Jericho Swain, Demacia greets you."

Swain: "King Jarvan III of Demacia, Noxus greets you. I trust you are in good health?"

King Jarvan: "Never better. Have you been enjoying this visit of state?"

Swain: "Yes, the entertainment is first rate. I must admit, I had not thought that Demacia needed allies. Is the famous Demacian pride in her traditions no longer strength enough to protect you?"

King Jarvan: "Demacia's military traditions are equally as worthy as those of Noxus, and our army is larger. We need no allies, but wisdom and prudence suggest that we consider all of our diplomatic options carefully. In any case, whether we ally with the Freljord or not, we do not need a major war, and neither do you."

Swain: "Quite correct, Your Majesty."

King Jarvan: "Nevertheless, any plot by Noxus against the life of our son will be considered casus belli. We do not wish for a war with Noxus, but neither do we fear one. Lady Shyvana, has this man confessed to kidnapping my son the Crown Prince?"

Shyvana: "He has not, Your Majesty."

Swain: "Obviously."

King Jarvan: "Is there any evidence, however circumstantial, linking him to any crime?"

Shyvana: "Not at the moment. That does not mean that there is none. Perhaps some evidence will come to light in time."

Swain: "Hope springs eternal."

King Jarvan: "We have been informed that an imposter has been impersonating our son. How long has this imposter been deceiving us?"

Shyvana: "We don't know for sure, but quite possibly since his return from the Institute of War."

King Jarvan: "We assume that this impostor is working for the Noxians?"

Swain: "Certainly not."

Shyvana: "The impostor, commonly known as Gangplank, claims that he did what he did as a practical joke."

King Jarvan: "We are not laughing, and soon neither will he be. We suggest that you interrogate him more forcefully."

Shyvana: "Gangplank is himself a head of state, Your Majesty. To submit him to anything that could be construed as torture would be setting a dangerous precedent."

King Jarvan: "True. Frustrating though it is, we cannot coerce the truth from his lips. However, impersonating a member of the Demacian royal family is a capital crime. We cannot torture him, but we can execute him."

Fortune: "Your Majesty!"

King Jarvan: "Who is this impudent woman who interrupts us?"

Shyvana: "This is Miss Sarah Fortune, a sometimes representative of the City-state of Bilgewater, and compatriot of Mr. Gangplank."

King Jarvan: "What do you wish to say, young lady?"

Fortune: "Gangplank is a stubborn man. Ye won't get any information out of him. However, I might be able to persuade him to co-operate with ye, if ye will spare his life."

King Jarvan: "We cannot make such a promise. If Demacia's favourite son is lost to us, the country herself will cry out for blood."

Fortune: "Your Majesty, please allow me to talk to me countryman."

King Jarvan: "Lady Shyvana, we will allow this. If there is any chance that this self-styled practical joker has information that we need, we must take the chance."

Shyvana: "As you wish, Your Majesty."

[Trumpet fanfare. Enter Ashe, wrapped in a cloak, followed by Berit and Tryndamere]

Berit: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Queen Ashe and King Tryndamere!"

King Jarvan: "Welcome, Your Majesties."

Ashe: "Thank you very much, Your Majesty."

Vayne: "I didn't expect to see either of you again any time soon. No hard feelings?"

Ashe: "No, everything is correct."

Tryndamere: "Ashe and I have reconciled. I have forgiven her."

Vayne: "I am impressed, King Tryndamere. And are you willing to resume the diplomatic process?"

Tryndamere: "Indeed I am."

Shyvana: "However did you get him to forgive you? You shot your own husband in the arm with an arrow."

Ashe: "My husband has a very high pain threshold. It didn't bother him that much."

Tryndamere: "Certainly it bothered me. Not the pain, but the principle. Nobody likes to be shot by his nearest and dearest. So, the fact that I wasn't badly wounded, that's not the real reason we are reconciled. Show them, Ashe."

Ashe: "Must I, honey?"

Tryndamere: "I insist."

Ashe: "Very well."

[Ashe removes her cloak, revealing that she is dressed only in a furry bikini, furry high-heeled boots, and her royal tiara]

Tryndamere: "How do you like the curves?"

Berit: "It's not polite to gloat, Your Majesty."

Garen: "Demacia!"

Lux: "So that's what the competition looks like."

Andrei: "Bugger, Tryndamere is a lucky sod."

King Jarvan: "Very classy."

Tryndamere: "See. I told you that's what people would think."

Ashe: "The things one does for the sake of good diplomatic relations…"

Vayne: "Tryndamere, you are a jerk."

Tryndamere: "You are just jealous that you wouldn't look half as sexy in a bikini."

Vayne: "I should have shot you in the heart instead of Ashe."

Tryndamere: "We should call you Heartseeker Vayne. Obsessed with hearts, you must be a lonely heart yourself. Don't worry, girl, somewhere there is the perfect man for you."

Vayne: "If that barbarian doesn't shut the hell up, I am going to have to kill him. Permission to patrol the grounds, Lady Shyvana?"

Shyvana: "Granted. Take your time—can't be too safe. See if you can't locate the observers from Piltover and Zaun."

Vayne: "Yes ma'am. Thank you ma'am. Your Majesty."

[Exit Vayne. Exit Fortune. Enter Jarvan]


End file.
